Stars

Danielle is convinced the stars are aligned this cycle. You should see how happy and optimistic she is. It's quite beautiful to see and I feel like she has enough optimism for the both of us. When we got there we were happily surprised to see our actual assigned doctor walk into the room to do our IUI. This is the first time she did it. Prior to that we had the nurse and the ice queen. She was so pleasant, encouraging and cheerful that it really raised my spirits. Both she and Danielle were happy with our donor's numbers, to my response to the medication this cycle, and with how the actual IUI went stating she was able to get the catheter in with ease and far up as possible. So now we are in the tww.

In other news, we are considering getting a puppy. It's not definite because our cat is incredibly spoiled and doesn't socialize well with other pets. For those that have both dogs and cats in their home, do you have any suggestions? We are really concerned that Slice will attack the it. In the meantime, here are some possible names: Giles or Willow for a boy. Zava or Winnie for a girl. Danielle hates them all but I think they are fun.

Try #15

My cycle so far has gone a little like this:

Gonal-F: I increased it on my own from 112.5 to 150. In the end it helped me produce more follies by day 8 u/s. By my day 10 u/s I had one lead follie and three smaller follies that had the potential to grow before my scheduled IUI. While I used the pen the first three days, I introduced my body to the vial and syringe form. Those needles are definitely fatter and took more of an effort to pierce my skin. People, stick with the pen (no pun intended). I also noticed that I had some random headaches during this cycle which isn't typical. Even while taking clomid for 3 cycles, I only got one headache throughout the entire process.

HCG: I triggered last night and I had a MAJOR reaction to the ovidrel this time around. Within 5 minutes of taking it my head felt heavy and foggy, I noticed some shortness of breath and I had an instant headache, make that migraine that lasted into this afternoon. The pressure in my head was pretty scary as all sorts of things ran through my mind. I consulted with two of my fellow blogger/friends who both had their IUI's 24 hours after the trigger. My clinic does their 36 hours after. Does anyone elses?

Acupuncture: I met with Sydnie today who was an absolute doll. She is "family" which I kinda suspected when I met her last year. She told me that she and her partner (both romantic and business) just welcomed their daughter into the world last month. The thing I liked about Sydnie was that she just "got it." She was reviewed my chart (I went in twice last year) and just asked how ttc had been going since then. I told her that this was my last try that I've moved on to injectibles, etc. She was able to verbalize how emotional and difficult ttc can be without me even saying it. It felt nice to be understood by someone IRL. I love acupuncture and if I had the money I would do it more often. I felt completely relaxed after today's session. I go back on Thursday for a "tweak."

IUI: I'll post about this tomorrow after it's done.

Emotions: My emotions just kinda vary at this moment. Overall, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm giving it all can (acupuncture, spinach and pineapples as recommended by Sydnie, and lots of water) because I have nothing to lose but I'm so use to the same results that I will be truly and utterly shocked if I get a bfp. I want it so bad but I'm trying not to get my hopes up because... well you know how that goes.

FSA to the rescue

Let the coziness begin. Yesterday was our first day of snowfall. I stayed in for most of the day working on my newest knitting project. I've ventured off into trying out a baby sweater. It is my most advanced project to date.

I'm not a big fan of the winter. Actually aside from aesthetic reasons, I hate it. So lately I've been planning our cruise which is such a great mental getaway. The silver lining in not being pregnant is that Danielle and I can do some cool excursions such as the zipline, segways, snorkeling, etc.

Last week I found out that my job offers an FSA program where I can use pretax dollars to put into an account to pay for medical expenses. I can use it for IVF and IUI's. I can also use it for lypo and while that is incredibly tempting, I will save it for ttc. Unfortunately you can only contribute $5000 max so we are not sure if we want to use it towards IVF or get two injectable cycles out of it. I guess we'll decide closer to the time. Anyway, the money becomes available shortly after I come off break so the timing is dead on.

PUPO

I'm officially in the tww for the last time. Dr. Ice-princess did my IUI again and asked if we had met before. Hello???? Woman, you manhandle my vagina, can you please remember me?

So the countdown begins: 14 days until poas.

Ultrasound #4

There is a sign in the changing room that instructs you NOT to ask the sonographer any questions during the ultrasound. It took everything in me to avoid asking her what she saw and promise I wouldn't tell the RE. I would have taken a cough, wink, fart, anything to let me know what was going on. But, like any other visit, I had to wait for "the call." I finally got a call around lunchtime telling me that I have "a nice follicle measuring 21mm." Wahooo!!!! Ironically, the follicle is on the left side. If you recall, my lead follicle measuring 11mm on Saturday was on my right side. My estrogen level is 535 so I was instructed to trigger at 11:15pm and return on Thursday for the IUI.

I'm generally not an anxious person but I think ttc has turned me into a neurotic nitwit. What's my concern now? Well I've had tons of ewcm and 2 +opk's (yesterday and this morning) and now I'm worried I'm going to ovulate before the IUI and the timing will be all off. I asked the RE nurse about the +opk and she told me to disregard them. My control issues are being really challenged. I have to remind myself that this is their business and I have to trust them.

Okay I'm off to trigger.

My first IUI

That nurse is a bitch! I wonder if she knew that I called last night and left a message asking for the doctor to perform the IUI instead. I got a call this morning informing me that the doctor wasn't in at all and that the nurse would be performing all of the IUI's this morning. She went on to spell out her training in doing this and then asks if I want to reschedule if I don't feel comfortable. Um, this isn't the dentist's office where timing isn't a factor. So if I don't do it today, that means, I have to wait a whole other cycle. And furthermore, if I did that, I would ovulate on a Sunday next month which would put us in the same position. So without much of a choice, I agreed to still come in.

We are in the IUI room and she tells me the process of the IUI, stating that the only thing that may hurt is the speculum going in. I'm thinking well that should be a piece of cake because speculums don't hurt that much. Well, she wasn't lying... she literally and I mean literally jammed it in me, about 3 times. I was so far up on the table and all I hear her saying is "relax." How can I relax when you are hurting me? Danielle said it looked like she was raping my vagina. Finally, maybe out of frustration, she asked if I wanted to insert it. So 1,2,3 and it was in but then she took over again and started being rough again to get the cervix in place. Highly trained, my ass!!! I wanted to take my foot out of the stirrup and kick her in her head. Anyway, the actual insemination of the jizz went well. So we'll see in two weeks if this worked.

Countdown: 14 days until testing. Oh who am I kidding? 10 days until testing.

On the verge of a temper tantrum

Riddle: Someone is referred to a specialist to assist with fertility. That same person is asked to pay $280 for an IUI to be performed. Who should perform the IUI?

Answer: Um, maybe the specialist.

I got my +opk this morning on cd 14 like clockwork. So I called to schedule my IUI which is tomorrow at 8:30am. I really wanted Dr. K to perform the IUI because I really like her but I found out that the ice queen doctor is scheduled to be in the office tomorrow. Fine, whatever, I'll take her. She knows her stuff, started the clinic and so I'll deal with it. You never know, I may even have a change of heart about her. But oh no, the receptionist added that the doctor may not even perform the IUI, the nurse may. Now don't get me wrong, I think nurses are great and they do really good work. To boot, I am sure she is trained to perform IUI's. But I wasn't referred to a nurse, I was referred to a specialist and if I'm expected to pay $280 to have a IUI performed by a specialist, well then I want a freaken specialist to do it. I know this sounds like a little temper tantrum but trust me, it's not. I can't vouch for not having one tomorrow though, especially if it is the nurse who told me that I had PCOS.

If it was routine for all of the patients to have a nurse perform an IUI I wouldn't have a problem with it. As I said, I'm sure she is highly trained to do it. But it's not routine so why should I be picked out of the bunch? If I'm being referred to a specialist, then I want the doctor to deal with me start to finish, especially when it comes to what I feel is the most important part of this whole process.

On a opk note... the same sticks used for the CBE digitals (smiley's) can also be used right afterwards in the CBEFM.

Trying not to sweat the small stuff.

I truly need to let go of my control issues (sometimes). From what people are telling me, having an IUI is suppose to be less stressful, yet I am still struggling with the idea of timing. I'm just concerned that they are going to wait too late but then I keep on reminding myself that they are doctors. They've gotten hundreds of people pregnant. I've gotten zero! They went to school for this, whereas I went to school for social work. I need to let them do their job and I will do mine which is to poas until I get a smiley face. Sounds easy right? Right, but my control issues just keep on taking over. Aggrrr!

I have a gift certificate to a spa. Now sounds like a good time to make an appointment.

On to plan M

With every cycle that goes by you begin to evaluate what went wrong, what you can do to improve the upcoming cycle, and what you want to keep the same. After 10 tries and 16 months, I think it's time to move on to IUI's. I was really trying to avoid them thinking that I could get pregnant without this next level of treatment but lets face the facts, it's just not happening. So I contacted the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) my OB referred me to last year and got some information. It is going to cost $280 a month for the IUI on top of everything else. However, I'll have to wait out a cycle before I can have the IUI. They will use that cycle to do additional bloodwork to make sure I am ovulating and an ultrasound, I suppose to check if/when my egg(s) are being released. Luckily for me, my insurance will cover this testing but they will not, I repeat, will not cover the IUI. Really are you that surprised? Why would they cover the procedure I really need them to? Friggen figures.

So here's plan M: We will do one more try at home during the cycle they do all of the testing just for shits and giggles and then in August we will do the IUI. I will drop the acupuncture. As much as I enjoyed it, I will have to use that money towards the IUI's. We will use 1 vial instead of 2 of the same donor. We will continue using opk's and the monitor as well as checking cm and the opening of my cervix. Finally, we will insem 12-16 hours post +opk. Oh, and we will continue with my last round of 50mg of Clomid. Maybe when I meet with the RE, she will increase it to 100mg although I am really leery of going up another dose but I'll talk that over with her when the time comes.

Back away from the thermometer

I don't even know what happened, I totally caved and temped yesterday and today. Heck, I think if I'm honest with myself, I did it on Saturday as well. I was doing so well. I wonder if I was going through an unconscious withdrawal because somehow it was in my mouth over the weekend. I don't even know why because at this point in the game, the temps aren't that significant. They are going to be up regardless. It's towards the end of the week they would matter to see if they are still elevated (indicating possible pregnancy) or if they've dropped (indicating that I have to prepare myself to do this all over again next month).

Speaking of doing it all over again next month, I seem to go through this thing where I psych myself out by telling myself I'm not pregnant. Then, in following suit with "The Secret"I reframe my thoughts and say something positive. I guess after 10 tries, there is a glimmer of hope but deep down I don't expect this month to be any different than the other 9 months. Maybe I do it so that I won't be that disappointed, who knows. Even though I am trying to think positive, I've been thinking that maybe I'll take a cycle off, save up enough money and start exploring IUI's. It is going to cost me about an extra $400 out of pocket it seems. I'll have to call and find out for sure. I was referred to an RE in the past but I didn't really like her and felt that I couldn't put up with her icy personality if she was going to look at my yoohoo each month. It would be just way too personal to even go there so I may seek out another office closer to my house and with less frigid doctors. But hopefully, I won't even need to pursue that idea because ladies and gentlemen, I am BFP Bound. It has to happen to me at some point right? <----- This is where you enthusiastically nod your head yes and say "of course it will Lisa."