Saturday, October 8, 2011

No more nursies

My boobs slightly ache and yes, my heart slightly aches too. There are some days he doesn't ask to be nursed but when he does, I have a lot of guilt redirecting his focus. It's hard for any parent to deny their child of something especially when it's readily available. He looks up at me with those big brown eyes and signs "more milk" and it feels awful telling him "no nursies this morning. You just had milk in your sippy." However, my little guy is at an age where I feel pretty comfortable ending our breastfeeding relationship. I will definitely miss snuggling up with him in that way or having that one on one time that is so distinctly different from any other quality time spent with him. This week we went three days without nursing and then one morning out of sheer guilt I caved and now we are back to 2 days without.

Thinking back, I was incredibly worried about not being able to nurse. I did a lot of reading beforehand and attended a breastfeeding workshop at my son's pediatrician's office. It was something I wanted to provide to my son and with the help of a local breastfeeding center which is adjoined to my pediatricians office, as well as his doctors (some of whom are lactation consultants), and some other nursing moms, I feel very fortunate to have had this experience.

I remember the absolute joy I felt when I first nursed him after giving birth. The nurses were supportive and helpful in the hospital as I fumbled with getting him to latch. I remember being incredibly stressed in the NICU the following few days while I waited for my milk to come in, learning to use a breast pump, and having only a 30 minutes every three hours to nurse him when he was removed from the isolet for that very reason.

Coming home from the NICU was a whole other experience. I remember asking Danielle to support my wishes of having just the three of us at home because I really wanted to focus on breastfeeding and didn't want the stress of entertaining or having to leave the room. Nursing was definitely challenging in the beginning. I can't remember if I read it or if someone told me that the first two weeks are the hardest and to keep trudging through no matter what. I was never tempted to give Preston formula but there were times I was tempted to give him a bottle of pumped milk. In the end I never went that route and just like that after two weeks it was much easier.

The first bump in the road months and months laer was flying home after seeing my parents. I was nursing Preston on the plane and he bit me. I remember removing him from my breast and telling him no. Later that night he refused to nurse. I was devastated and heartbroken. My kid had never refused the breast from the day he was born. I was worried he would never nurse again. I was hurt when Danielle offered him a bottle of breastmilk which he took without hesitation. I remember crying that same night because I wasn't ready to end. Needless to say I over reacted because around his 2am feeding he latched on. Even at a young age, he was communicating his unhappiness with my response to his biting. Note, he's bitten me about a total of 3 times his entire life and about twice were done purposely after he was done nursing and was testing the waters. I know a lot of people quit at the sign of the first bite but if neither of you are ready to end, this truly is not a reason to give it up. People also assume just because babies get teeth, it's time to stop, it's not.

At 12 months I was happy with making it that far. It was my plan at birth to stop around 12 months but when we got to that point neither of us were ready to stop. At 14 months we revisited it but continued and it wasn't until around 17 months that I felt we were both getting to the end. Nursing had reduced to the morning when Danielle brought him in and sometimes out of boredom during the day but it felt it was done more out of routine than need.

So here we are, 2 days shy of his 18 month marker. I can finally buy new bras because my breasts won't fluctuate in size. I'm looking forward to snuggling with him in bed without him asking to be nursed. It's a new chapter.

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