Tuesday, December 30, 2008
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Lisa: Visited the Bahamas
Danielle: Went on a cruise and traveled outside of the U.S.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Lisa: I will make more for the new year as well as a wishlist which are things I want to purchase during the year. That list is usually met before the resolutions.
Danielle: I didn't make any.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Lisa: I had a few close friends/family get pregnant this year but no births yet.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Lisa: No, I've been lucky in that dept. No one close to me has ever died.
Danielle: My uncle died.
5. What places did you visit?
Lisa: Key West, FL; Nassau, Bahamas; CocoCay, Bahamas; Kentucky; Columbus, Ohio; NYC and Long Island, NY
Danielle: Key West, FL; Nassau, Bahamas; CocoCay, Bahamas; Kentucky; Columbus, Ohio; and WV for the casinos.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Lisa: A baby
Danielle: More money
7. What day from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Lisa: Obama being elected as president
Danielle: Cruise vacation
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Lisa: Got a job making more money.
Danielle: Can't think of anything significant
9. What was your biggest failure?
Lisa: Not getting pregnant.
Danielle: Not taking the poker deal (long story)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lisa: Developed chronic back pain.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Lisa: Ipod, new laptop, and cruise vacation.
Danielle: Wii and cruise
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Lisa: Danielle for putting up with my moods
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Lisa: Parents who dropped their kids off at the Safe Haven in Nebraska because they lacked parenting skills or the desire to address their child's needs.
Danielle: My sister for staying with her dumb ass boyfriend who uses her and cheats on her constantly.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Lisa: Reproductive Health Services (RE) and the Sperm Bank.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Lisa: Our cruise
Danielle: Our cruise
16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
Lisa: Can't think of any
Danielle: Can't think of any
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Lisa: Ironically, a little happier. I think I am able to deal with my infertility just a tad bit better and continue to hold hope that it will happen. Also because Danielle and I talked about her taking over in a few cycles if it doesn't work out so I kind of have faith that our family will start one way or the other in 2009. I am definitely fatter and a little richer both economically and emotionally.
Danielle: A. Sadder because I have less money. B. Fatter C. Poorer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Lisa: Traveled and visited my parents
Danielle: Save money and travel.
20. How did you spend Christmas in 2008?
Lisa: At home without my family.
Danielle: Spent it with my family while Lisa stayed at home (long story). It was the second worst christmas of my life.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Both: continued to remain in love with each other.
22. What are your three favorite photos of 2008?
Lisa: Picture of the beach in Cococay, the apple pie I baked for Thanksgiving, dressed up for the cruise.
Danielle: Picture of Slice (our cat)
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Lisa: Brothers and Sisters
Danielle: Greys Anatomy
24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
Lisa: Had the most awesome cake and was introduced to the Wii during my cake party.
Danielle: Went out to dinner.
25. What was the best book you read?
Lisa: Kite Runner
Danielle: Read too many to pick.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lisa: Corrine Bailey Rae
Danielle: Can't think
27. What did you want and get?
Lisa: Earning more money and working closer to home.
28. What did you want and not get?
Danielle: My own laptop
29. What were your favorite film this year?
Lisa: Sex and the City
Danielle: Can't think
30. Did you make some new friends this year?
Danielle: Roxanne and Marta
31.What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Lisa: Getting pregnant and saving more money
Danielle: More money
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Lisa: Anything that fit
Danielle: Jeans, t-shirt, and Air Force Ones.
33. What kept you sane?
Lisa: BBC and having others who knew what it feels like to go on this journey, Danielle, and sleep.
Danielle: Slice, Lisa, and tv
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Both: Prop 8, high gas prices
35. Who did you miss?
Lisa: My parents
Danielle: No one.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Lisa: Can't think
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Lisa: Mix it up a bit. TTC but also continue to do the things that you enjoyed once upon a time.
Danielle: Be grateful for what you have because there are people out there who have much less.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
If you've checked out my ticker, you'll notice that we are leaving for our well deserved, long awaited cruise in two weeks. There are so many choices for things to do on the islands. Our 7 day cruise will stop in Puerto Rico, St. Martin and St. Thomas. So we decided that our days will be mixed with touring the islands, a zipline course, snorkeling, a banana boat (I'm terrified of that) and we are going to lay out at Orient Beach in St. Martin which is a "clothing optional" beach (read: nude---gasp!!!) I think it will be awesome. We will never see these people again and if I'm going to be honest I think it's kinda hot! Danielle refuses to go san bathing suit top but I'm working on her.
Today was fun because we went to get books for the beach and did a bit of window shopping for a new bathing suit (Thank you Target for being the only store to have swimsuits in December), and buy some travel gear.
On a mini rant: The stores are unbelievable. Just 2 days ago, it was Christmas. I wanna say that I wasn't surpised but I was... the stores had Valentine's Day stuff out already. Are you kidding me?
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Unfortunately, we're not going to my brother's house for Christmas. My MIL's cat, Bella, is sick and the vet said it is contagious so we have no one to watch our cat. While I'm really sad about it, I know we will make the best of it.
buy nintendo wii game system
Friday, December 19, 2008
- Make Christmas Cookies
- Shop for gifts
- Attend a Christmas party
- Finalize Christmas Day plans
I'm going to be so busy but that is what happens when you catch the Christmas spirit late (read: procrastinate). I'll keep you posted with pics.
On a more serious but thankful note I want to send a shout out to Santa for helping this little girl. As some of you know, I'm a therapist and specialize in working with children who have been abused so I was particularly drawn to an article I read on CNN about a little girl who wrote a letter to Santa in school asking for the person who was sexually abusing her and her sister to stop. From that they were able to arrest the child's stepfather. The abuse had been ongoing for the past 5 years. If it weren't for Santa, who knows how much longer it would have gone on for.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I bought a Christmas tree hoping that will help but it's undecorated and the decorations are sprawled all over the dining room. When we brought it home, I had instant regret about buying it and wish I could take it back or donate it to a family who couldn't afford one.
I ventured out this morning in hopes of starting some Christmas shopping and came home with nada. When did Christmas shopping become so superficial? I would like to go back to basics when you gave gifts as a reflection of the gifts brought to Jesus, because they had meaning no matter how much they cost. Not because you feel like you have to spend X amount on a person or buy X amount of gifts for one person. Aggrrr! Don't mind me. I'm just out of sorts this year. Usually, I'm obnoxiously filled with Christmas Joy. This year I'm feeling very Scrooge like.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Logan: Aunt Lisa, do you have any children?
Me: No honey I don't.
Logan: But I want you to!
Me: Yeah, me too.
I just thought it was the dearest little conversation. Just goes to show that you can get ttc support even from a 3 year old.
Here's a clip of her from Saturday's baby shower.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both- depends on the gift and how much time I have
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real.
3. When do you put up the tree? Around the 2nd week in December
4. When do you take the tree down? Usually the first weekend after New Years
5. Do you like eggnog? No
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Speak and Spell and my Cricket Doll
7. Hardest person to buy for? My Dad who seems to have everything
8. Easiest person to buy for? Danielle
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, it is so cute.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, although I seem to wait too long for the ones overseas
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A water feature Danielle's aunt gave me.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Bad Santa (so dysfunctional), It's a Wonderful Life, Little Women
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Black Friday
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Anything that reminds me of an English Christmas (i.e. trifle, christmas cake, chestnuts)
16. Lights on the tree? Yes although there tends to be dispute between white lights (me) and colored lights (Danielle).
17. Favorite Christmas song? Gloria.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I usually travel but I've spent 1-2 at home.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? No
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel, as a child that was my only role. To put her at the top of the tree.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Day. I never got the whole Chrismas Eve thing.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? People doing crazy things to get their child the "it" item. Also people totally neglecting the acknowledge the true reason for Christmas.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? This black barbie that Eddie got me. She looks beautiful and so glamorous in her white gown.
24. Favorite place for Christmas dinner? My parents.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Lotion made by Fresh and a camcorder for our cruise.
Monday, November 24, 2008
In the midst of our sadness, the state of the country, busy lives, etc I wanted to give a platform to hear what people are grateful for.
I'm thankful for:
- Danielle who is so patient with me, loving and sweet. **Olive Juice**
- My mother for supporting my decision to have a child even though she disagrees with my lifestyle.
- Having a job when there are so many people getting laid off around the country.
- Having a warm home even though it costs a bloody fortune to keep warm.
- Having ttc friends who know what its like to go through this emotional journey.
- Been fortunate even when I forget at times.
- Allowing my brotherJ, the joy of fatherhood after their loss last year.
- For my brother M, who I can talk to about anything.
- My parents who are really great, despite our hiccups regarding my relationship.
- My friends for all of their unique qualities that makes them great friends.
- Our known donor who still wants to help us if we decide to go that route again.
... the list will keep growing
Monday, November 17, 2008
Last week I found out that my job offers an FSA program where I can use pretax dollars to put into an account to pay for medical expenses. I can use it for IVF and IUI's. I can also use it for lypo and while that is incredibly tempting, I will save it for ttc. Unfortunately you can only contribute $5000 max so we are not sure if we want to use it towards IVF or get two injectable cycles out of it. I guess we'll decide closer to the time. Anyway, the money becomes available shortly after I come off break so the timing is dead on.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Good luck to my other tww friends.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I'm generally not an anxious person but I think ttc has turned me into a neurotic nitwit. What's my concern now? Well I've had tons of ewcm and 2 +opk's (yesterday and this morning) and now I'm worried I'm going to ovulate before the IUI and the timing will be all off. I asked the RE nurse about the +opk and she told me to disregard them. My control issues are being really challenged. I have to remind myself that this is their business and I have to trust them.
Okay I'm off to trigger.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
While at the craft store yesterday, I discovered a whole new world.... Iron ons. So next weekend's projects will be dedicated to onesies.
On a ttc note, the shots are getting easier and easier to take.
*** Marley is the name my brother and sil have chosen for their baby.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Well I'm off to go get some Indian food, come home and watch the Sex and the City Movie. I've gotten very little sleep these past few days and I'm exhausted. I had to move my u/s appointment up this morning because I couldn't get out of bed.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I have about 1 more week until we are back in the ttc game. I've really enjoyed my break. It's been so stress free these past few weeks and I can't tell you how many pina coladas I've had. It's been great hanging out with friends and just doing things that I usually won't do during the tww.
Danielle and I have been doing our own Biggest Loser contest and while I've lost a few pounds, Danielle has done fantastic and has lost 10 pounds so far. I'm so proud of her. We are going to look fantastic on our cruise, pregnant belly or not.
Just for fun and giggles, here's the SNL skit:
Sunday, September 28, 2008
In the meantime, we are enjoying life, some new friends that we made, the Fall and planning for upcoming holidays, Danielle's birthday, and trips.
Okay, gotta run. We are going to Italian Days with Danielle's family.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
- shopping for dresses for our cruise
- English hot chocolate with whipped cream
- cozying up on the couch watching the fall line up
- my kicked up grilled cheese (Munster cheese, bacon, sliced apples) with a glass of wine
- not worrying about ttc
- Danielle making it to level 8 on Super Mario Brothers 3 (wahoo!)
- SATC released on dvd (can't wait to watch it this weekend)
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
So who's my little earth angel? It's Gia.
Initially I didn't think we could get it started this cycle because you are suppose to do the first injection on cd 3 (which is today). However my RE coordinator said we could start it on cd 4 the latest. We weren't sure if we could get it shipped in time and by the afternoon I told the RE coordinator that I was going to proceed with the Clomid and explore injectables next month if this cycle was a bust but then Gia called me saying it was being Fed Ex'd overnight and will arrive at 10:30am. So in the morning I just have to call the RE and tell her we changed our minds and will try injectables this month.
I am both incredibly nervous and excited. I feel extremely overwhelmed. Gia, being the technology forward woman she is, said she will make a video for me showing me what to do to decrease some of my anxiety. My stomach has been in knots all day.
Anyway, I just want to say thanks Gia. You are incredibly kind and generous. You didn't have to do this for me and you sure as hell didn't have to act as fast as you did to get it to me overnight. I really and truly appreciate it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Saturday- Date day. Lunch at Red Robin. The guacamole bacon cheeseburger is soooo good and then we went to see "A Family that Preys". It was pretty good.
Sunday- We hopped in the car and headed to the casino. I won some money playing Texas Hold 'Em and Let it Ride. Apparently there was a storm brewing that we had no clue about before we left so we had a long drive home because there were downed trees and no electricity. We didn't bring out GPS with us so we came home on a prayer. When we got back to Pgh, the power was out at home as well until 5am. It was kind of cool.
I have a meeting with the RE this Wednesday.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
As for tww land, not much is going on. Testing is in 2-3 days.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Of all people, trust me, I know it is waaaaayyyy too early to even experience the things I'm experiencing and I'm attributing them to my new work schedule. But if I am truly pregnant I will apologize to all of the whiny, suburban housewives on BBC birth boards who already have like 4+ children and are acting like this is their first pregnancy asking ridiculous questions like "I farted today, do you think I'm pregnant?" or "my boobs look veiny today, do you think I'm pregnant?" (that one is one of my favorites).
I think I'm having these fake symptoms because I've already convinced myself that I'm pregnant. Lisa, get a grip of yourself!!! I'm going to end up like that one lady on tv who convinced herself that she was pregnant that her body started to produce hormones and her stomach grew into a pregnancy tummy (did I ever tell you I hate the word belly?). Pray for my sanity people, pray hard!
Testing is in 6 days.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Saturday: We didn't play by the RE rules. The rules if you want to play is to test and call between 6:45am and 7am when you have a +opk and they will schedule your u/s and bloodwork later that day. Well I overslept and called at 7:45am so they could only do b/w. I was a little bummed about it because I curious to see what the clomid did to my little friends in there but the nurse was really pleased with the results of my b/w so she went ahead and scheduled my IUI for 7:45am the following day.
Sunday: I set my alarm clock, cell phone, and Danielle's clocks in fear of oversleeping and not being allowed to play again. We were so exhausted when we got there. I was a little worried though about the timing. I had 4 days of low temps (97.5) and then on Sunday, my temp spiked to 97.9. Now I've been temping for over a year and I knew that meant I had ovulated. However, we went anyway. I spoke to the nurse as soon as I got there before they even went to prepare our specimen and she reassured me that our timing was dead on. Now she could have been blowing smoke up my ass and if it was the same nurse from last month's debacle I wouldn't have trusted her but I felt reassured and waited the hour for our specimen to be prepared. Because of our traumatic IUI last month, a few weeks ago, I had called the office and insisted that I have a doctor do it. So who did we get? The icy doctor I wrote about in a previous entry. But you know, I was relieved to see her and felt at ease being in her care. Danielle came to the conclusion that the doctor just doesn't have a friendly personality. She didn't introduce herself to us. Keep in mind, she's never met Danielle and she only met me once last year. She was kind of abrupt and wasn't very nice when she told, I mean asked, Danielle to move out of the way so she could get into a drawer. I felt so bad for Danielle because the chair was by the drawer when we first got there so if it is a bad spot, it shouldn't have even been there in the first place. I think that my doctor, Dr. K., is definitely the most personable and gay friendly doc of the two. However, despite all of that, our IUI went great. It was sooooooooo much different than the one with the "trained" nurse. Amazing how 1,2,3, the speculum went in without an ounce of pain. Maybe Ice Doctor needs to teach the nurse that basic skill. Hey guess what? On our way out to pay our bill, we passed the doctor and she smiled, she actually smiled. She can't fool me though. I'm still convinced she just had gas.
Monday: I spent the entire day just feeling really tired with this icky stomach sensation. Trust me, I know it is too soon to experience any pregnancy stuff but I thought gosh, if I feel like this now, I wonder what being pregnant is going to be like.
I am definitely in trouble this cycle. I've already convinced myself that it has worked and all I am waiting for is 12dpo to test and get a +hpt. Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT good. This means total heartbreak if it doesn't happen. I've been wondering where this optimism is coming from and I think it is a combination of things ranging from a better sample than last months, the doctor doing it, this being my 12th cycle and it has to happen at some point, the nurse's reassurance, me thinking it has to happen at some point. Oh wait, I said that. And I think there is some level of desperation (read- hope, strong desire, okay desperation) to be a mom and for this to happen. So maybe I need to take Gia's PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) approach but I don't know if I am that brave because despite all this going through my head, there is a little voice that trying to take care and safeguard my heart by telling me to pull back a little and remind me that it may not happen.
Anyway, Katie from the glbt boards sent me a wonderful care package last week filled with opk's, a digital hpt, and 10 internet cheapies. It felt a little like christmas. I can't wait to start poas.
Stats: 2 dpo and counting.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Definite must haves on our Tivo Season Pass:
- Biggest Loser
- America's Next Top Model
- Amazing Race----I want to be on this show
- Ugly Betty
- Private Practice
- Grey's Anatomy
- The Office
- Desperate Housewives
- Brothers and Sisters ------ I love love love this show
I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Danielle and I went on a cruise in January and we had a blast. We went left out of Miami and went to Nassau, Key West, and Cococay. It was the best vacation ever. We did things we've never done before like snorkel, go on jet skis (waverunners), and parasail. It was just a great time. Danielle played a poker tournament on the ship in their casino and won second place.
So this time around we are planning a cruise on one of their newer ships, Freedom of the Seas. We will be leaving out of Miami and going to San Juan, Puerto Rico; Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas; Philipsburg, St. Maarten; and back to Miami, Florida.
Here are some of the wonderful features of ship:
FlowRider®---------that's that surfing water feature
H2O Zone---------- water slides, etc
Ice-skating rink------------yes an ice-skating rink
Extensive WiFi capabilities and connectivity for cell phones
Full-size, flat-screen TVs in every stateroom
Themed bars and lounges
Adventure Ocean® youth facilities
Fitness Center and Day Spa
Full-size Everlast boxing ring----------Can't wait to show off my Rocky skills
Casino RoyaleSM--------------------Danielle will take it down again
Presidential Family Suite
Full-size sports court
9-hole miniature golf course-----------------how fun
Johnny Rockets® '50s-style restaurant
Portofino Italian Restaurant
Ben & Jerry's® ice cream
Vintages wine bar
Boleros Latin-themed lounge
Now if I'm preggo, it will be hard to do some of the excursions we did on our last cruise but we will still have fun. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Things between my SIL and I have worked out well. We had a talk and I really have a new understanding of what she has been going through. I am excited for the birth of my new niece/nephew in January 2009. They will find out the sex September 15th. I am really rooting for a boy. I know when they were pregnant last year, they were planning on naming the baby Winston James if it were a boy. I don't know what the baby names are now.
Danielle is dead set on naming our daughter Marissa. We haven't been able to come up with a middle name. All of the names I like, Danielle HATES but I get the choice in the middle name since she got to pick the first name. With the boy names we switched because I like Jaden (I like it spelled Jaiden but everyone tells me that spelling is for girls) anyway, and Danielle like Tyler so he will be Jaden Tyler. I will kill anyone who calls him JT. Danielle likes the name Darius but with my English accent, she hates the way I say it so that's out. That's okay because I am not really fond of it. However, I'm sure when the time comes and we are pouring over baby name books, things will change.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
On a more exciting front.... We've mastered level 3 on Mario 3. Wahoo!!!!!!!!! We've also found the secret whistle on level 1 that will allow us to warp to levlel 5, 6, and 7. We have yet to master level 7 and it doesn't look good.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Anyway, off to make dinner: Beef and shrimp fried rice. Wish me luck.
9 dpo- no symptoms (real or imaginary). 3 days until testing. Trying to believe that this will happen to me.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
7 days and counting or is it 6?
Monday, August 4, 2008
8 days and counting.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
We are in the IUI room and she tells me the process of the IUI, stating that the only thing that may hurt is the speculum going in. I'm thinking well that should be a piece of cake because speculums don't hurt that much. Well, she wasn't lying... she literally and I mean literally jammed it in me, about 3 times. I was so far up on the table and all I hear her saying is "relax." How can I relax when you are hurting me? Danielle said it looked like she was raping my vagina. Finally, maybe out of frustration, she asked if I wanted to insert it. So 1,2,3 and it was in but then she took over again and started being rough again to get the cervix in place. Highly trained, my ass!!! I wanted to take my foot out of the stirrup and kick her in her head. Anyway, the actual insemination of the jizz went well. So we'll see in two weeks if this worked.
Countdown: 14 days until testing. Oh who am I kidding? 10 days until testing.
Answer: Um, maybe the specialist.
I got my +opk this morning on cd 14 like clockwork. So I called to schedule my IUI which is tomorrow at 8:30am. I really wanted Dr. K to perform the IUI because I really like her but I found out that the ice queen doctor is scheduled to be in the office tomorrow. Fine, whatever, I'll take her. She knows her stuff, started the clinic and so I'll deal with it. You never know, I may even have a change of heart about her. But oh no, the receptionist added that the doctor may not even perform the IUI, the nurse may. Now don't get me wrong, I think nurses are great and they do really good work. To boot, I am sure she is trained to perform IUI's. But I wasn't referred to a nurse, I was referred to a specialist and if I'm expected to pay $280 to have a IUI performed by a specialist, well then I want a freaken specialist to do it. I know this sounds like a little temper tantrum but trust me, it's not. I can't vouch for not having one tomorrow though, especially if it is the nurse who told me that I had PCOS.
If it was routine for all of the patients to have a nurse perform an IUI I wouldn't have a problem with it. As I said, I'm sure she is highly trained to do it. But it's not routine so why should I be picked out of the bunch? If I'm being referred to a specialist, then I want the doctor to deal with me start to finish, especially when it comes to what I feel is the most important part of this whole process.
On a opk note... the same sticks used for the CBE digitals (smiley's) can also be used right afterwards in the CBEFM.
So where is all of this coming from? Well I've been at my new job for the past 3 weeks and it feels like high school. I've literally had the girl who sits closest to me blatantly ignore me when I've said hi/bye or smiled at her but totally acknowledge others, even Danielle. Out of about 20 black girls close by me, there is only ONE girl who consistently says hi to me and smiles to me. When I asked for her assistance today, I think she got up enough courage to start a conversation with me and how does she start it? By saying "you're not from here are you?" As though that is the get of jail free pass I'm awarded for talking the way I do, for being the way I am, etc. As though if I was from America it would be totally unacceptable.
No one understands how frustrating this is. My own girlfriend makes fun of me at times and
suggests she is "more black than I am." How fucked up is that? I wonder why this is such an issue in America, this "being black enough." This is not an issue in England. You would just think that at 29 years old, being around other adults, that this wouldn't be an issue.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tomorrow's tasks= order jizz and start poas for my smiley.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
My book on PCOS came in at the library today so I picked it up earlier today and finished it already. I wonder if I can add that to my library summer reading list? Anyway, it was a good read and the author, Dr. John Eden, made a clear distinction between polycystic ovaries and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCO and PCOS). Because I haven't received the results of my hormone tests yet, I identified more with PCO. He pretty much said that women with PCO can have a polycystic u/s reading and acne or excessive hair and still have normal fertility and not need any medication intervention. Whereas a woman with PCOS has two of the three: menstrual irregularities (nope), polycystic ovaries (yes) and clinical and/or blood test evidence of raised androgens (unknown at this point). At any rate, he really stressed throughout the book that losing weight will help significantly with PCO, PCOS, and Insulin Resistant females. He said in his practice he has seen an increase in menstruation, ovulation, and pregnancy with just losing 8-11 pounds. Although his book isn't gospel, it does give me some additional questions to ask my RE during our phone consult. His book.
Anyway, I'm off to bed.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I have a gift certificate to a spa. Now sounds like a good time to make an appointment.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Anyway, we went for our day 3 bloodwork. Well it happened on day 4. We both had to have STD testing and I had my FSH and other stuff tested. Poor Danielle was poked 3 times before the nurse could get blood. I haven't received the results yet but hopefully will hear something by Friday. I have a telephone consult with my RE on Tuesday to discuss the PCOS and how it applies to me. I anticipate doing the IUI next Saturday/Sunday. I think I'll start getting excited about it next week.
While we were at the RE, the nurse had the 10 Pet Commandments posted on her wall. I read #4 to Danielle and the nurse said she was about to cry and literally looked like she was.
Dogs Ten Commandments
1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years - any separation from you will be very painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me - it is crucial for my well being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment...You have your work, your friends, your entertainment...I HAVE ONLY YOU!
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when you're speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll NEVER forget it.
7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hands but I choose NOT to bite YOU.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I've been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting old and weak.
9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old.
10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch it" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for ME if you are there. Remember that I love you.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Saturday we stained the fence we put up 2 weekends ago (***note to others, it is much easier using a brush to get the stain on rather than a roller). The hilarious moment in that was I painted P3 on part of the fence before staining it and unfortunatley the stain didn't cover it up so there is P3 as bright as the sun on the fence!!! P3 is a running joke about Danielle being a professional poker player. Anyway, in continuing with our home improvements projects I staked and lined the shape of our patio that we will be working on over the next few weekends. Danielle has the nerve to complain about how much HGTV I watch but seriously, it pays off!!!!
It started off being a beautiful day on today so we headed over to a friend's house to jump in her pool. Little did we know there was construction on the parkway. So a 40 minute drive turned into a 2 hour drive. Needless to say I was NOT a happy person when we got there. Oh, and I forgot to add, while we were at a standstill in traffic it began to rain. We went in the pool anyway but it would have been nicer if it was beaming hot out like it was when we left our house. Anyway, we were suppose to go to the zoo tonight for a work event but skipped it and came home and grilled out. Menu: ribs, potato salad, corn, and beans. A totally cool bbq meal.
On a ttc note, I am finding that I am really stressed out about ttc. It's all I fucken think about. It's not even intentional. I find my mind just running about ordering, dates, timing, bloodwork, cost, PCOS, etc. over and over and over. I feel like i can't escape and I need to because I feel like my relationship is falling. Poor Danielle is a saint to put up with me. I have been incredibly bitchy, snipping, and withdrawn in every sense of the word. I don't even mean to be, it just happens. At times I even startle myself with how nasty I am towards her. It's so unfortunate that the person you love the most is the one who gets the brunt of eveything. I know that ttc can put stress on a relationship and on one hand I feel like I should be past that because it's been over 16 months but on the other hand, I know that the 16+ months is probably the reason. KWIM? It's just a really tough situation that I'm finding more and more difficult to dig myself out of. It's suprising because normally I feel really good at the start of every cycle. Like a new try and a new chance. I just don't know why I'm not feeling that now.
Last night, we drove to get sushi and ice-cream. I know what a combo but i really wanted a chocolate banana milkshake and Danielle wanted sushi. Anyway, we were driving by two areas that are great Saturday night spots. The first one for clubs and bars and the second one for dates. Everyone was just so dressed up and I thought, "god, where are the days when I loved getting ready to go out dancing. When did going for a shake and sushi become a Saturday night highlight" and later "where are the days when you felt and looked hot?" I really feel like I've lost some of my va va voom. I think it's the terrible weight gain. I just don't feel like that spunky 20 something anymore. Maybe because I'm at the doorstep of being a 30 something? (Sigh). So my mission my dear friends...is to bring Lisa back.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I am sooooooooooo confused! I had my progesterone bw done Friday morning (11th). The nurse called and said my level was 14 which indicates that I ovulated (yeah). She said that they must not have been able to pick up the follicle on the u/s and that happens sometimes. Interesting because FF hasn't given me crosshairs or recognized that I've ovulated but of course I'm trusting the bw over FF. Anyway, seems like we can IUI next cycle as planned. I asked her based upon my b/w today if that rules out PCOS and she said no. That I "I'm PCOS by u/s." I just don't get it. I thought PCOS meant you don't ovulate on your own (in addition to developing tiny cysts). Well I have to call on cd1 and then have bloodwork on cd 3. She said the doctor wants to talk to me so I am assuming that will happen on cd 3?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I've been charting this month as usual and I do think I am having an anovulatory cycle. I haven't gotten crosshairs but I did get a +opk last week. However, my temp hasn't risen like it usually does. So my fingers are crossed that this cycle is just a fluke. If it is, what horrible timing. I assume I will have to go through this whole process again next month which means I can't ttc next cycle either because the insurance won't pay for the testing if I have an IUI the same cycle. Ughhh!
Friday: Bloodwork at the RE's.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Danielle brought up the idea of doing IVF with her eggs. I love the idea but seriously can we afford it? Um, probably not! But we will explore it after next Friday.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
So here's plan M: We will do one more try at home during the cycle they do all of the testing just for shits and giggles and then in August we will do the IUI. I will drop the acupuncture. As much as I enjoyed it, I will have to use that money towards the IUI's. We will use 1 vial instead of 2 of the same donor. We will continue using opk's and the monitor as well as checking cm and the opening of my cervix. Finally, we will insem 12-16 hours post +opk. Oh, and we will continue with my last round of 50mg of Clomid. Maybe when I meet with the RE, she will increase it to 100mg although I am really leery of going up another dose but I'll talk that over with her when the time comes.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
I get into an elevator, sometimes there are people in there with me but mostly I'm by myself. The door closes and it just free falls--FAST! We must fall at least 30 stories. Sometimes the lights go out and sometimes they stay on. No one ever gets hurt but I'm terrified and sometimes there's nothing to hold on to.
Backseat driver dream:
I am in a car by myself and I am on the drivers side but in the backseat. Somehow the car is moving and I have to steer it from the backseat. I am always on a bridge and I have to manage to get the car across the bridge.
What do you think this all means? I have my own thoughts but what do you Freudians think? BTW, this isn't the first time I've had my elevator dream during the tww.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Speaking of doing it all over again next month, I seem to go through this thing where I psych myself out by telling myself I'm not pregnant. Then, in following suit with "The Secret"I reframe my thoughts and say something positive. I guess after 10 tries, there is a glimmer of hope but deep down I don't expect this month to be any different than the other 9 months. Maybe I do it so that I won't be that disappointed, who knows. Even though I am trying to think positive, I've been thinking that maybe I'll take a cycle off, save up enough money and start exploring IUI's. It is going to cost me about an extra $400 out of pocket it seems. I'll have to call and find out for sure. I was referred to an RE in the past but I didn't really like her and felt that I couldn't put up with her icy personality if she was going to look at my yoohoo each month. It would be just way too personal to even go there so I may seek out another office closer to my house and with less frigid doctors. But hopefully, I won't even need to pursue that idea because ladies and gentlemen, I am BFP Bound. It has to happen to me at some point right? <----- This is where you enthusiastically nod your head yes and say "of course it will Lisa."
Saturday, June 7, 2008
As far as the tww, I've been doing exceptionally well. This time next week may be a different story. The 1ww is always worse than the 2ww because if you are going to experience any symptoms (real or imaginary) the 1ww is when you'll have them.
On another note, Danielle has successfully convinced me out of my haircut. However, I'm only postponing it until September. She made a very good point this week when I was having a terrible hair day due to the 90 degree weather and humidity that I would look a wreck if I had short hair and I had to agree. So until the humidity dies down, I'll stick with my long hair (sigh).
Monday, June 2, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The Sex and the City movie was FANTASTIC!!!! We laughed, we cried, we gasped. It was so good seeing those girls again. I really loved seeing other women in the auidence as excited to see the movie (almost giddy) as I was. Our chairs were very comfy and as a treat we will do it again at some point.
Today is beautiful outside. Danielle and I are going shopping and I can do a little gardening later while we cook out on the grill. I love summer.
Well wish me luck everyone.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
This morning I got a +opk but I have a feeling that the following one will be a little darker so I am going to take another one in an hour or so to compare. Unfortunately I woke up too late to use my CBEFM so I will have to wait until tomorrow.
Only a few more hours until date night. We are going to eat at PF Changs and then see our movie at 9:45pm. I am so excited. I am little annoyed though because the guy who plays Harry on SATC was on Ellen and unintentionally gave away a spoiler. I would have been really surprised by it as well. Aggrr!
Friday, May 30, 2008
I have my acupuncture appointment tomorrow @ 1pm. I am a little disappointed though because the woman, Jesse, who corresponded with me via email and answered all of my questions wont be there tomorrow so her associate, Sydnie will be doing it. Although I am sure Sydnie will do a great job and I will like her, I was looking forward to meeting Jesse.
Anyway, tonight we are going bowling. We went a few weeks ago and this place is so old that you have to score on paper. I couldn't tell you the last time I went to one like that. Tomorrow we are going to see the Sex and the City movie. We went all out and bought the VIP tickets so we can watch the movie in ultimate comfort with their "plush leather seats." I bet this experience is so overrated. Nevertheless, I am looking forward to it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Coincidentally, over the weekend, we were all chatting on our porch and out of the clear blue he told us we should have a child. He then offered to father a baby. Just jokingly, I asked him if he thought Danielle or I would be the carrier. He was like, well I wasn't even thinking of you two. I was thinking you could just pick out one of my girls (he calls his women "strays" by the way) and they would turn the baby over to us. ON WHAT FREAKEN PLANET does that happen? And why would he think that is how we wanted a child anyway? I was impressed though, that later on he did say if we were to carry it, he would squirt in a cup at the doctor's office. At least he didn't just assume that he would get to have sex with one of us. However, quite honestly I think he has the hots for Danielle. They are like best buddies, it's funny. They like knock on each others door to see if the other one can come out and play.
Anyway, I'm off to bed. I've had a long day. This morning I found out that one of my online friends is having a miscarriage. She went through this heartbreak earlier this year. I just don't understand why these things happen.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
On the baby making front, we are ordering our tank tomorrow. We will probably start poas on Thursday and then the craziness begins. I vowed, like the past two cycles, that I will stop temping after ovulation. I know I will do it this time around. There is nothing worse than having a fantastic looking chart, having it go triphasic, and then getting a bfn. It is just heartbreaking so no more!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
- Fertility monitor....check
- FR OPK's bought on ebay...check
- Resume FF chart...check
- Raging hormones...check
- My sanity.... lost
The past two days have been terrible. Poor Danielle puts up with me so well. Bless her heart. We must have gotten in to at least 5 screaming matches, all started by yours truly, from not driving fast enough to running out of Pantene conditioner. I literally felt like I was losing my mind.
However, today was a little better. I got enough sleep and my hormones seem to have gotten its act together.
Today I took my first clomid pill and I have a MAJOR headache. I don't know if it is a coincidence or if I am experiencing one of the common side effects but man is it intense.
Anyway, I'm off to bed. See you guys tomorrow.