What looks like crazy on an ordinary day

I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed or crazy, whichever way you'd like to look at it. Why?

• I am scheduled to have surgery next Thursday. I'm scared, anxious, and relieved all at the same time. This will be my first time ever being in the hospital.
  
• Because I'm in the tww, I will have to have a spinal block anesthetic instead of general anesthesia so I will be awake the entire time. Yikes!
  
• I kind of feel similar to our house which is completely upside, gutted, and disorganized. I swear the energy of the room is rubbing off on me and is driving me crazy.
  
• I need to do some major shopping this weekend. A gal shouldn't complain, I know, but trying to pick out a bed, chose paint colors for a bathroom and kitchen, a bathroom vanity, a shower surround, and tiles so they can resume work on Monday morning is a little overwhelming.

Jean Day

It is amazing how a good pair of jeans can make you feel so incredibly hot and sexy. Yesterday was jean day at work so I felt great. I think it had to do with the fact that I fit into a pair of jeans that I haven't in quite a while. After work there was a lez night at Diesel here in Pittsburgh. It was our first time going and we had a blast. However, Danielle thought it was funny that the bouncer at the door asked me if I was there for "lez hour" because according to Danielle I don't look like I'm a part of the "club." We were meeting a few friends there and the funniest part of the night was when my friend texted me before I got there to tell me that my old boss, a boss who once wrote me up for a really bullshit reason, a boss who is seriously bipolar, a boss who didn't even acknowledge my leaving after 5 years of great work with them, would be there. And the even funnier thing was that when this said boss saw me she came up to me with her new gf and leaned in to give me a hug. Um, can we say DENIED!!!! This, my friends, is a classic example of her bipolar/axis ii personality disorder-ness. She really acted as though we were BFF's that hadn't seen each other in a long time. It was really weird. Anyway, of course I had fun shaking my ass. Although I really wonder why les bars play the crappiest music sometimes. Is there a secret requirement to love 80's music and mid 90's music that I'm just not aware of? Is that why the bouncer stopped me?

Anyway, I guess this weeken is full of shaking booties because Danielle's mom who loves dancing asked us all to go out with her tonight. I actually don't mind going to The Grove because they play disco music. Now, disco music I can do. Studio 54 (minus the cocaine) here we come!!!

Oh and by the way the carpet people are coming in 2 hours. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!

Valentine's Day

I can really appreciate the simplicity of the holidays that Danielle and I share as the years pass by. Previous years included a lot of pomp and circumstance. Now, it's just about thoughtful gifts that are incredibly meaningful. My first job ever was at age 14. I worked at a convent with retired nuns. My mom worked there and was able to get me a job on the weekends. I stayed there until I went off to college and would work there in a different dept. during summer breaks. Anyway, as a teen I would read to them, wheel them around the beautiful gardens to get fresh air, and help out wherever I could. I loved that job. The Nuns really loved having someone young there and they especially loved hearing about school, what was going on in my life, etc. Periodically I would bring in my tap shoes and dance for them. I think they just enjoyed having someone young around the convent. I didn't grow up Catholic but the nuns taught me the rosary and would give me medals of different saints to put in my pocket if I was going through something major such as taking the SAT's, going off to college, etc. I just loved them, even Sister Thackery who would make me cry sometimes with her nasty comments but I digress. So I was telling Danielle this a few weeks ago. Danielle grew up Catholic, attended a Catholic School but doesn't practice it now. However, there are times we'll talk about it and I ask her questions. I seem to be really fascinated with the idea of confession and although I know it is between her and god (as she told me), I'm dying to know what kind of things a kid in grade school confesses. But anyway, yesterday Danielle gave me a small gift bag. In the bag was my favorite toffee and a St. Gerard medal. St. Gerard is the Saint of fertility and motherhood. I thought it was the sweetest gift ever.

Octuplets + twins + 4 singletons + mom + crappy IVF doctor = ?

Everyone has an opinion right? Going through ttc for the past 2 years has elicited a rainbow of emotions, some of which I didn't know I was capable of expressing. However, I'm trying to figure out how I feel about the Suleman mother of now 14 children. I think part of me is jealous, part of me is angry that she is so "la la, I'm in my own world because deep down I have unresolved childhood issues that I never addressed and now I have 14 children, no steady income, a plan to use student loans to feed my 14 children and I see nothing wrong with this picture but I spent $100k on IVF treatments at a shitty clinic with crappy birth/pregnancy rates but I never thought to save any of that money I earned from a disability claim for a rainy day or to support my already 6 children" attitude about the the whole thing and the other part is annoyed with the doctor who put back 6 embryo's. After reading an article, I wonder if he was desperate to increase his pregnancy/birth rate.

Last night I got into a one sided argument with my father about this. I say it was one sided because I refused to engage in it. My dad is Jamaican and not to stereotype but there are a lot of strong beliefs about family, same sex couples, etc with that culture. While I love my dad, I realize that part of his thoughts and beliefs are based upon never having to experience what I'm going through. We both agreed that the doctor was irresponsible. However, my dad seems to think that every child should have a mother and father to raise them and that people shouldn't spend hundreds (ha ha, if he even knew- make that thousands) of dollars on fertility procedures. The kicker was the comment (x2) about how proud he was of my brother for having a (traditional) family. I left the conversation feeling wounded. I recently disclosed to my mother that I was ttc and I think she told my dad. This conversation about the Suleman woman was his way of telling me he didn't approve of what I was doing but I digress, because my days of doing everything to please my parents are long gone. Yet why do I feel incredibly guilty about it?

Anyway, check out the article. Dateline has an interview with Ann Curry tonight at 10pm. The fertility clinic the woman went to sucked. It has a horrible pregnancy and birth rate. The article I read said of 52 IVF procedures done in 2006, only 5 resulted in pregnancies and 2 resulted in live births. Maybe I need to have a work injury to afford IVF (note sarcasm). I'm sorry, I'm trying to come to some conclusion about this woman possibly being a victim of her doctor's malpractice? What do you think?

Teacher for a day

I'm on cloud 9 right now. I meet monthly with a therapist who is really well known in the field here in PA. She sees clients in her private practice, provides consultations and teaches at a well known University here in PA and another institute in Cleveland. I really admire her for her work and knowledge. So imagine my suprise when I got a call from her this morning asking me to teach one of her classes this Wednesday because she is unable to. Unfortunately, I can't because I have clients at my private practice that night but I'm so flattered that she would even consider me to do that for her. Sometimes we know we are good therapists or good at what we do but then there are these little reminders, when other people recognize it, that makes it feel even better.

On a ttc note, before starting this cycle, I just wanted to explore my options. So this morning, I spoke with the financial coordinator at my RE's office just to find out how much IVF would cost and if I wanted to use part of my FSA funds towards that instead of two cycles of injectables. After running some numbers, I'm going to stick with two rounds of injectables. She said that IVF would start out at $15,000 (procedure and meds, not including freezing). We were given the option of financing the difference but right now, I'm not sure I want that extra monthly expense. So the plan is to do two rounds of injectables and if I'm not pregnant by that time then we will look into an IVF cycle and if that doesn't work, I am throwing in the towel and Danielle can take over.

Saturday fun

What we've been up to:

• Window shopping/pricing new appliances. It's so much fun buying new stuff when it doesn't have to come directly out of your own pocket.


• Waiting for the contractor to schedule a start date. I wish they would hurry up. Eating out for every meal because you don't have a fridge or a stove is getting alittle old. I miss cooking.


• Playing Goldilocks. Shopping for a new bed is fun!!!


• Fantasizing about getting a flat screen tv. It's so very, very tempting.


• Thinking about what color to paint the kitchen.


• Planning our next cruise. I know, we were just on vacation a month ago.


• And finally, gearing up to ttc.

1pm MRI, yeah right!

Doctor appointments can be so aggravating. As a therapist, we are expected to meet with our clients on time. However, I guess that lesson went out the window in med school. Today I had an appointment to have an MRI at 1pm. I wasn't taken back until 1:30pm and that's only because I asked to reschedule my appointment because I had to see a client at 2pm at my private practice. The receptionist told me to hold on that someone would come and get me. Five minutes later the tech came to get me and told me that the MRI would take 40 minutes. Obviously I had to cancel, pay $4 for parking and rush to my office. Now I have a friggen 7:30am rescheduled appointment on Saturday. Could I get a shittier time and day? Who wants to be anywhere at 7:30am on a Saturday?

As some of you read, I fell down the stairs in November. Yep, just totally missed a step and went tumbling hitting into the wall causing a sudden injury to my lower back. Well ever since, I've been experiencing horrible back pain, intense pain running down the back of my leg and as of late, complete numbness in my right foot. It's kind of (okay VERY) scary. I cannot stand for long periods of time (read: more than 5 minutes) and walking more than a block is really painful. My PCP is insistent on getting back surgery and I'm really resistant to the idea. According to Dr. Google, there are less invasive ways to address this such as PT, acupuncture, massage, and exercise. So I was sent to a neurologist and he sent me to have an MRI. I go back next Wednesday to discuss the results and my options with the neurologist.

Despite all of this, I plan to ttc when my next cycle starts. Yeah, it's probably not the smartest move all considering if I do in fact need surgery then the pregnancy will postpone it and the weight of the pregnancy may exacerbate my symptoms. But when a gal has been on break since October, then said gal is anxious to get back in the game.

Talking about babies (were we?), I went to see baby Marley over the weekend. She is incredibly adorable and one of those angelic babies that rarely cry. She makes these very serious faces as though she is worried about her taxes. It just makes me laugh. However, I directed most of my time to her older sister Logan (age 4). We made valentines magnets one night and guacamole another night. I'm a true believer that if you include children in the cooking process they are more open to trying new foods. She did a fantastic job but just needs to work on the "no double dipping" rule.

During my visit, I was also able to spend time with my mother who flew down from Florida. I haven't seen her in a year so it was nice spending time with her. She amazes me because she whips out these meals and desserts with very little thought. One afternoon, she just decided to make an apple pie. This would have been a project for me, not just something I whip up on a whim. It was great seeing her in the grandmother role. I am anxious for the day she comes to my house for a week to fuss over our baby. That day will come soon. It has to.