Friday, July 9, 2010

Searching for Balance

I'm having a terrible and I mean terrible time transitioning back to work. I'm sleep deprived for the first time since giving birth but I'm even more consumed with guilt because the time I spend with Preston each day has dramatically decreased. I'm really mourning the days of my maternity leave. I'm not sure how to balance being a mom, going back to work full time, handling the day to day activities, in addition to preparing dinner and getting us ready for the next day. I'm utterly exhausted by the time I get home from work that sometimes I have to work really hard at mustering up the energy to play, sing, and read to my baby and if I'm honest, there have been days where we only get one book in and some snuggling time before he's off to bed.

Preston wants to be nursed as soon as we get home. Seeing him at the end of my work day and sitting to nurse him is a true joy. But after that, it's off to wash diapers, bottles, make bottles for the next day, storing pumped milk, making dinner, getting lunch and clothes ready for the next day. Preston enjoys being toted around in the Ergo while I do some of these things. He looks around for a while and then snuggles in and goes off to sleep. Daycare really tuckers him out and shortly after we get home he's asleep for the night. I feel like I get 1 quality hour with him after work and 30 minutes of that is from nursing. Something has to give.

I really want to be a stay at home mom but it's not an option so I need to stop wishing and hoping for it and problem solve through my current situation. I feel guilty that he's at daycare from 8:30am-5:45pm Mon-Fri. I feel guilty that he's the last kiddo to be picked up in his classroom because I work 8.5 hour days. I'm jealous that his daycare teachers, as wonderful as they are, get to spend more quality time with him than I do during the day. I miss him during the day and I have to will myself not to cry at work. I've considered working evenings so I can be home with him during the morning and day. It would save money on daycare which isn't really an issue (quality time is) but then it would be like playing tag with Danielle and we wouldn't see each other until the weekend. I waited so long to be a mom and now I feel like we're being cheated. Does it get any easier?

5 comments:

luckyduck said...

It does get easier in some ways. I felt the same way you do, I really wished the days were longer! I have no solutions for you, but loads of empathy and sympathy!

He is gorgeous, by the way! I love the chunk! He looks healthy and happy, so whatever you are doing, don't feel an ounce of guilt!

Melissa said...

It does get easier. I used to sit at work and just watch the clock until I could go get him. You also start to realize that somethings just have to slide some nights.

Amy is the official bottle washer and packer in our house so her doing that has helped me out a lot. We also plan meals for the week during the weekend especially ones that will allow for lots of leftovers :)

Grace said...

When I was a babe my Mom and Dad both worked full time, my Dad had his own company so he woked really long hours.
I spent almost all day with my nanny who lived across the street. My Mom had my nanny keep a journal. Recording when I slept and for how long, what I ate and what excersise I did, etc. She used to have the Nanny put me down for a nap for ages before they got off work so that I would be awake for awhile when they got home.

Anonymous said...

Not sure what happened to my comment, it just....disappeared!
Anyway-
It does get easier. Liking and trusting your daycare and seeing how he thrives in their care may be a little jealousy-provoking, but ultimately, a relief.
Right now, you're still adjusting to adding another role to your life, that of working mom. It will get easier as you get more accustomed to the schedule, and as P sleeps longer at night (lessening your sleep deprivation somewhat).
You have to realistically look at housework and be willing to cut some corners. Buy more bottles so you can just rinse and shove them in the dishwasher instead of washing every night. Lay out clothes for the next day for you both before you go to bed. Become less obsessive about vacuuming and dusting. And if a load of laundry sits in the dryer for a few days instead of being folded immediatly, is anyone really going to suffer? Probably not. Simplify your cooking, and don't feel guilty about grabbing take out on your way home sometimes. Use the winter months to do grocery shopping on your lunch hour, since keeping food cold/frozen won't be a problem.
Just a few suggestions that have helped me stay semi-sane.

Suzy said...

Oh honey I hear you. I am still searching for that balance. It DOES get easier, but you really have to work hard at making things easier at home too, and do what you have to in order to increase the quality time you have with him.

(ps oh how CUTE is he, I havent been over in a while and he is just too precious :)