Unnecessary Stress

I'm at work so I will give full details later but I had my telephone consult with my RE this morning and she said "you do not have PCOS". I would like to point out that the nurse not only told me this once, but twice. These last two weeks have been really stressful. I've been incredibly irritable and taken most of it out on Danielle because my mind has been so preoccupied with this dx and what it now meant for my fertility. Poor Danielle gets the brunt of everything. Speaking of her, she is feeling incredibly optimistic about this cycle. I'm trying to get myself there.

Tomorrow's tasks= order jizz and start poas for my smiley.

PCO vs. PCOS

I should have more days like the one today. It was very relaxing and laid back. We went to a really cool jazz concert in the park this evening. I loved it. Danielle hated it. She is not a very outdoor-sy type of girl. However, I love that she tolerates my desire to be "one with nature" and engages in my outdoor events.

My book on PCOS came in at the library today so I picked it up earlier today and finished it already. I wonder if I can add that to my library summer reading list? Anyway, it was a good read and the author, Dr. John Eden, made a clear distinction between polycystic ovaries and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCO and PCOS). Because I haven't received the results of my hormone tests yet, I identified more with PCO. He pretty much said that women with PCO can have a polycystic u/s reading and acne or excessive hair and still have normal fertility and not need any medication intervention. Whereas a woman with PCOS has two of the three: menstrual irregularities (nope), polycystic ovaries (yes) and clinical and/or blood test evidence of raised androgens (unknown at this point). At any rate, he really stressed throughout the book that losing weight will help significantly with PCO, PCOS, and Insulin Resistant females. He said in his practice he has seen an increase in menstruation, ovulation, and pregnancy with just losing 8-11 pounds. Although his book isn't gospel, it does give me some additional questions to ask my RE during our phone consult. His book.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

Trying not to sweat the small stuff.

I truly need to let go of my control issues (sometimes). From what people are telling me, having an IUI is suppose to be less stressful, yet I am still struggling with the idea of timing. I'm just concerned that they are going to wait too late but then I keep on reminding myself that they are doctors. They've gotten hundreds of people pregnant. I've gotten zero! They went to school for this, whereas I went to school for social work. I need to let them do their job and I will do mine which is to poas until I get a smiley face. Sounds easy right? Right, but my control issues just keep on taking over. Aggrrr!

I have a gift certificate to a spa. Now sounds like a good time to make an appointment.

I tried to bring Lisa back...

Wow, venting does help sometimes. After my last blog entry, I felt much better. The next day, in my attempt to bring Lisa back, I pulled out a pair of my skinny heels and wore them to work. I felt hot, confident and fabulous all until 9:20am. I was walking to the copy machine with my "mentor", past the director of my department, when all of a sudden, I was about 3 inches shorter on one side. My freaken heel broke. There I was doing like a runway walk to the copy machine and all of a sudden, I kind of buckled. Guys, if you could have seen it, you would have rolled on the floor laughing in hysterics. I think my mentor tried to stifle her laughter because I'm new to the dept and she didn't want to make me feel bad but all I remember was her trying to find super glue. How does super glue help in a time like this? I had to make a quick escape walking on my tip toes to my desk to grab my car keys, down to the elevator and down to the parking garage. Let me remind you that walking on your tip toes, trying to look hot at the same time, when you darn well know that you look like a dork, is very very hard to pull off. Finally, I made it home to change in to some sandals with a chunky heel.

Anyway, we went for our day 3 bloodwork. Well it happened on day 4. We both had to have STD testing and I had my FSH and other stuff tested. Poor Danielle was poked 3 times before the nurse could get blood. I haven't received the results yet but hopefully will hear something by Friday. I have a telephone consult with my RE on Tuesday to discuss the PCOS and how it applies to me. I anticipate doing the IUI next Saturday/Sunday. I think I'll start getting excited about it next week.

While we were at the RE, the nurse had the 10 Pet Commandments posted on her wall. I read #4 to Danielle and the nurse said she was about to cry and literally looked like she was.

Dogs Ten Commandments
1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years - any separation from you will be very painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me - it is crucial for my well being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment...You have your work, your friends, your entertainment...I HAVE ONLY YOU!
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when you're speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll NEVER forget it.
7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hands but I choose NOT to bite YOU.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I've been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting old and weak.
9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old.
10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch it" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for ME if you are there. Remember that I love you.

Myopic-ism

Why is the weekend over already? No matter what the plans are, the weekend ends before you know it. I'm always filled with regrets of what I didn't get accomplished and what little relaxation I did. This weekend was a mixture of fun and work and aggrevation.

Saturday we stained the fence we put up 2 weekends ago (***note to others, it is much easier using a brush to get the stain on rather than a roller). The hilarious moment in that was I painted P3 on part of the fence before staining it and unfortunatley the stain didn't cover it up so there is P3 as bright as the sun on the fence!!! P3 is a running joke about Danielle being a professional poker player. Anyway, in continuing with our home improvements projects I staked and lined the shape of our patio that we will be working on over the next few weekends. Danielle has the nerve to complain about how much HGTV I watch but seriously, it pays off!!!!

It started off being a beautiful day on today so we headed over to a friend's house to jump in her pool. Little did we know there was construction on the parkway. So a 40 minute drive turned into a 2 hour drive. Needless to say I was NOT a happy person when we got there. Oh, and I forgot to add, while we were at a standstill in traffic it began to rain. We went in the pool anyway but it would have been nicer if it was beaming hot out like it was when we left our house. Anyway, we were suppose to go to the zoo tonight for a work event but skipped it and came home and grilled out. Menu: ribs, potato salad, corn, and beans. A totally cool bbq meal.

On a ttc note, I am finding that I am really stressed out about ttc. It's all I fucken think about. It's not even intentional. I find my mind just running about ordering, dates, timing, bloodwork, cost, PCOS, etc. over and over and over. I feel like i can't escape and I need to because I feel like my relationship is falling. Poor Danielle is a saint to put up with me. I have been incredibly bitchy, snipping, and withdrawn in every sense of the word. I don't even mean to be, it just happens. At times I even startle myself with how nasty I am towards her. It's so unfortunate that the person you love the most is the one who gets the brunt of eveything. I know that ttc can put stress on a relationship and on one hand I feel like I should be past that because it's been over 16 months but on the other hand, I know that the 16+ months is probably the reason. KWIM? It's just a really tough situation that I'm finding more and more difficult to dig myself out of. It's suprising because normally I feel really good at the start of every cycle. Like a new try and a new chance. I just don't know why I'm not feeling that now.

Last night, we drove to get sushi and ice-cream. I know what a combo but i really wanted a chocolate banana milkshake and Danielle wanted sushi. Anyway, we were driving by two areas that are great Saturday night spots. The first one for clubs and bars and the second one for dates. Everyone was just so dressed up and I thought, "god, where are the days when I loved getting ready to go out dancing. When did going for a shake and sushi become a Saturday night highlight" and later "where are the days when you felt and looked hot?" I really feel like I've lost some of my va va voom. I think it's the terrible weight gain. I just don't feel like that spunky 20 something anymore. Maybe because I'm at the doorstep of being a 30 something? (Sigh). So my mission my dear friends...is to bring Lisa back.

Progesterone bloodwork

Eeek, I forgot to post last week about the bloodwork I had last week.

I am sooooooooooo confused! I had my progesterone bw done Friday morning (11th). The nurse called and said my level was 14 which indicates that I ovulated (yeah). She said that they must not have been able to pick up the follicle on the u/s and that happens sometimes. Interesting because FF hasn't given me crosshairs or recognized that I've ovulated but of course I'm trusting the bw over FF. Anyway, seems like we can IUI next cycle as planned. I asked her based upon my b/w today if that rules out PCOS and she said no. That I "I'm PCOS by u/s." I just don't get it. I thought PCOS meant you don't ovulate on your own (in addition to developing tiny cysts). Well I have to call on cd1 and then have bloodwork on cd 3. She said the doctor wants to talk to me so I am assuming that will happen on cd 3?

Living in denial

I am living in complete and utter denial. Yep, the dark glasses are on. I am just not convinced I have PCOS but that fucken question mark has been haunting me all friggen week. Thanks to google, asking women on BBC, etc. I feel confident in my denial. Boy, am I going to have a rude awakening if that question mark becomes an exclamation mark.

I've been charting this month as usual and I do think I am having an anovulatory cycle. I haven't gotten crosshairs but I did get a +opk last week. However, my temp hasn't risen like it usually does. So my fingers are crossed that this cycle is just a fluke. If it is, what horrible timing. I assume I will have to go through this whole process again next month which means I can't ttc next cycle either because the insurance won't pay for the testing if I have an IUI the same cycle. Ughhh!

Friday: Bloodwork at the RE's.

If only....

If only I had these tests a year ago, I would have saved myself a lot of money, a lot of heartache, and a lot of tears. The results from my bloodwork showed that my LH and estrogen levels are good. However, the results from the u/s showed that I had several tiny follicles but no evidence of a mature follicle. This indicates that there is a possiblity that I did not ovulate this cycle or develop a mature ovary. Just to make sure this isn't the case, I have been scheduled to return for more bloodwork next Friday. They will measure my progesterone levels. If the reading is less than 5, it means I didn't ovulate at all. However, if it is more than 5, it means I did and we just need to do a better job of pinpointing exactly when I ovulated. When I was confirming the information with the nurse who called me back, she said that that the doctor also had a question mark next to PCOS Of course I did some research (i.e. googling) when I got home and quite honestly, I don't have any of the major symptoms which is a little reassuring but I am still scared. Women with PCOS tend to have a really difficult time getting pregnant.

Danielle brought up the idea of doing IVF with her eggs. I love the idea but seriously can we afford it? Um, probably not! But we will explore it after next Friday.