Our Year in Review

Okay, so we poached this from because Amy and Melissa's Blog I wanted to do a year in review but didn't have any direction. Thanks Melissa. I was going to do this alone but was really interested in hearing how Danielle viewed this year as well.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Lisa: Visited the Bahamas
Danielle: Went on a cruise and traveled outside of the U.S.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Lisa: I will make more for the new year as well as a wishlist which are things I want to purchase during the year. That list is usually met before the resolutions.
Danielle: I didn't make any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Lisa: I had a few close friends/family get pregnant this year but no births yet.
Danielle: No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Lisa: No, I've been lucky in that dept. No one close to me has ever died.
Danielle: My uncle died.

5. What places did you visit?
Lisa: Key West, FL; Nassau, Bahamas; CocoCay, Bahamas; Kentucky; Columbus, Ohio; NYC and Long Island, NY
Danielle: Key West, FL; Nassau, Bahamas; CocoCay, Bahamas; Kentucky; Columbus, Ohio; and WV for the casinos.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Lisa: A baby
Danielle: More money

7. What day from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Lisa: Obama being elected as president
Danielle: Cruise vacation

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

Lisa: Got a job making more money.
Danielle: Can't think of anything significant

9. What was your biggest failure?

Lisa: Not getting pregnant.
Danielle: Not taking the poker deal (long story)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lisa: Developed chronic back pain.
Danielle: None

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Lisa: Ipod, new laptop, and cruise vacation.
Danielle: Wii and cruise

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Lisa: Danielle for putting up with my moods
Danielle: NA

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Lisa: Parents who dropped their kids off at the Safe Haven in Nebraska because they lacked parenting skills or the desire to address their child's needs.
Danielle: My sister for staying with her dumb ass boyfriend who uses her and cheats on her constantly.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Lisa: Reproductive Health Services (RE) and the Sperm Bank.
Danielle: Bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Lisa: Our cruise
Danielle: Our cruise

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
Lisa: Can't think of any
Danielle: Can't think of any

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?
Lisa: Ironically, a little happier. I think I am able to deal with my infertility just a tad bit better and continue to hold hope that it will happen. Also because Danielle and I talked about her taking over in a few cycles if it doesn't work out so I kind of have faith that our family will start one way or the other in 2009. I am definitely fatter and a little richer both economically and emotionally.
Danielle: A. Sadder because I have less money. B. Fatter C. Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Lisa: Traveled and visited my parents
Danielle: Save money and travel.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2008?

Lisa: At home without my family.
Danielle: Spent it with my family while Lisa stayed at home (long story). It was the second worst christmas of my life.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Both: continued to remain in love with each other.

22. What are your three favorite photos of 2008?

Lisa: Picture of the beach in Cococay, the apple pie I baked for Thanksgiving, dressed up for the cruise.
Danielle: Picture of Slice (our cat)

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Lisa: Brothers and Sisters
Danielle: Greys Anatomy

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
Lisa: Had the most awesome cake and was introduced to the Wii during my cake party.
Danielle: Went out to dinner.

25. What was the best book you read?

Lisa: Kite Runner
Danielle: Read too many to pick.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Lisa: Corrine Bailey Rae
Danielle: Can't think

27. What did you want and get?

Lisa: Earning more money and working closer to home.
Danielle: Wii

28. What did you want and not get?

Lisa: Pregnant
Danielle: My own laptop

29. What were your favorite film this year?

Lisa: Sex and the City
Danielle: Can't think

30. Did you make some new friends this year?

Lisa: Yes
Danielle: Roxanne and Marta

31.What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Lisa: Getting pregnant and saving more money
Danielle: More money

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Lisa: Anything that fit
Danielle: Jeans, t-shirt, and Air Force Ones.

33. What kept you sane?

Lisa: BBC and having others who knew what it feels like to go on this journey, Danielle, and sleep.
Danielle: Slice, Lisa, and tv

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Both: Prop 8, high gas prices

35. Who did you miss?

Lisa: My parents
Danielle: No one.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Lisa: Can't think
Danielle: Marta

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Lisa: Mix it up a bit. TTC but also continue to do the things that you enjoyed once upon a time.
Danielle: Be grateful for what you have because there are people out there who have much less.

15 days and counting...

If you've checked out my ticker, you'll notice that we are leaving for our well deserved, long awaited cruise in two weeks. There are so many choices for things to do on the islands. Our 7 day cruise will stop in Puerto Rico, St. Martin and St. Thomas. So we decided that our days will be mixed with touring the islands, a zipline course, snorkeling, a banana boat (I'm terrified of that) and we are going to lay out at Orient Beach in St. Martin which is a "clothing optional" beach (read: nude---gasp!!!) I think it will be awesome. We will never see these people again and if I'm going to be honest I think it's kinda hot! Danielle refuses to go san bathing suit top but I'm working on her.

Today was fun because we went to get books for the beach and did a bit of window shopping for a new bathing suit (Thank you Target for being the only store to have swimsuits in December), and buy some travel gear.

On a mini rant: The stores are unbelievable. Just 2 days ago, it was Christmas. I wanna say that I wasn't surpised but I was... the stores had Valentine's Day stuff out already. Are you kidding me?

And she Scores

I did it!!! I finished Christmas shopping and that includes grocery shopping for the week and for tomorrow's dinner. I couldn't be more pleased. Who said my college skills (procrastinating until the 11th hour) wouldn't come in use later on in life?

Unfortunately, we're not going to my brother's house for Christmas. My MIL's cat, Bella, is sick and the vet said it is contagious so we have no one to watch our cat. While I'm really sad about it, I know we will make the best of it.



buy nintendo wii game system

Santa to the Rescue

This weekend is Operation Get My Ass in Gear for Christmas. I've gotta...

• Make Christmas Cookies
• Shop for gifts
• Attend a Christmas party
• Finalize Christmas Day plans

I'm going to be so busy but that is what happens when you catch the Christmas spirit late (read: procrastinate). I'll keep you posted with pics.

On a more serious but thankful note I want to send a shout out to Santa for helping this little girl. As some of you know, I'm a therapist and specialize in working with children who have been abused so I was particularly drawn to an article I read on CNN about a little girl who wrote a letter to Santa in school asking for the person who was sexually abusing her and her sister to stop. From that they were able to arrest the child's stepfather. The abuse had been ongoing for the past 5 years. If it weren't for Santa, who knows how much longer it would have gone on for.

Wanted: Christmas Spirit

I'm having a difficult time getting into the Christmas spirit. I'm kinda going through the motions but I'm not really feeling it. I was suppose to meet my parents in DC at another family member's home but they are no longer going and it costs an arm and a leg to fly to Florida. My brother is working over the holidays and even though Danielle will be here, it will be one of the loneliest Christmas' ever for me.

I bought a Christmas tree hoping that will help but it's undecorated and the decorations are sprawled all over the dining room. When we brought it home, I had instant regret about buying it and wish I could take it back or donate it to a family who couldn't afford one.

I ventured out this morning in hopes of starting some Christmas shopping and came home with nada. When did Christmas shopping become so superficial? I would like to go back to basics when you gave gifts as a reflection of the gifts brought to Jesus, because they had meaning no matter how much they cost. Not because you feel like you have to spend X amount on a person or buy X amount of gifts for one person. Aggrrr! Don't mind me. I'm just out of sorts this year. Usually, I'm obnoxiously filled with Christmas Joy. This year I'm feeling very Scrooge like.

Logan

I love the innocence of children. They are just so sweet. While at my brother's house for Thanksgiving, my 3 year old niece came up to me and said:

Logan: Aunt Lisa, do you have any children?
Me: No honey I don't.
Logan: But I want you to!
Me: Yeah, me too.

I just thought it was the dearest little conversation. Just goes to show that you can get ttc support even from a 3 year old.

Here's a clip of her from Saturday's baby shower.

Christmas Quiz

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Feel free to copy and paste to your blog.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both- depends on the gift and how much time I have
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real.
3. When do you put up the tree? Around the 2nd week in December
4. When do you take the tree down? Usually the first weekend after New Years
5. Do you like eggnog? No
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Speak and Spell and my Cricket Doll
7. Hardest person to buy for? My Dad who seems to have everything
8. Easiest person to buy for? Danielle
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, it is so cute.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, although I seem to wait too long for the ones overseas
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A water feature Danielle's aunt gave me.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Bad Santa (so dysfunctional), It's a Wonderful Life, Little Women
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Black Friday
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Anything that reminds me of an English Christmas (i.e. trifle, christmas cake, chestnuts)
16. Lights on the tree? Yes although there tends to be dispute between white lights (me) and colored lights (Danielle).
17. Favorite Christmas song? Gloria.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I usually travel but I've spent 1-2 at home.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? No
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel, as a child that was my only role. To put her at the top of the tree.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Day. I never got the whole Chrismas Eve thing.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? People doing crazy things to get their child the "it" item. Also people totally neglecting the acknowledge the true reason for Christmas.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? This black barbie that Eddie got me. She looks beautiful and so glamorous in her white gown.
24. Favorite place for Christmas dinner? My parents.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Lotion made by Fresh and a camcorder for our cruise.

Thanksgiving

The apples to bake an apple pie have been purchased, my mum's holiday recipes have been sought out.... I'm all ready for Thanksgiving. This year Danielle and I will be going to my brother's house in Ohio. This is the first time we are spending it away from her family.

In the midst of our sadness, the state of the country, busy lives, etc I wanted to give a platform to hear what people are grateful for.

I'm thankful for:
- Danielle who is so patient with me, loving and sweet. **Olive Juice**
- My mother for supporting my decision to have a child even though she disagrees with my lifestyle.
- Having a job when there are so many people getting laid off around the country.
- Having a warm home even though it costs a bloody fortune to keep warm.
- Having ttc friends who know what its like to go through this emotional journey.
- Been fortunate even when I forget at times.
- Allowing my brotherJ, the joy of fatherhood after their loss last year.
- For my brother M, who I can talk to about anything.
- My parents who are really great, despite our hiccups regarding my relationship.
- My friends for all of their unique qualities that makes them great friends.
- Our known donor who still wants to help us if we decide to go that route again.
... the list will keep growing

FSA to the rescue

Let the coziness begin. Yesterday was our first day of snowfall. I stayed in for most of the day working on my newest knitting project. I've ventured off into trying out a baby sweater. It is my most advanced project to date.

I'm not a big fan of the winter. Actually aside from aesthetic reasons, I hate it. So lately I've been planning our cruise which is such a great mental getaway. The silver lining in not being pregnant is that Danielle and I can do some cool excursions such as the zipline, segways, snorkeling, etc.

Last week I found out that my job offers an FSA program where I can use pretax dollars to put into an account to pay for medical expenses. I can use it for IVF and IUI's. I can also use it for lypo and while that is incredibly tempting, I will save it for ttc. Unfortunately you can only contribute $5000 max so we are not sure if we want to use it towards IVF or get two injectable cycles out of it. I guess we'll decide closer to the time. Anyway, the money becomes available shortly after I come off break so the timing is dead on.

Another one bites the dust

With temps dropping like the stock market and a negative hpt to confirm my fears, I'm officially out this cycle. I've had time to mentally prepare for this so while I'm heartbroken, I'm managing okay. The RE wants me to do another round of injectables. So as planned we are going on break until January/February. We just have too much going on in the next few months with the holidays, birthdays, baby shower, baby arrival, and our cruise to budget for another round of injectables right now.

Fear

Fear...I thought I could do it. I've done it for the past 12 tries but I can't do it this time. I just can't deal with the idea of seeing just one line. So I'm not doing it. I'm going to live in complete ignorance until Thursday. For once I feel really good about this decision. Danielle thinks I can't do it but it's not about willpower this time around. It's pure and utter fear.

Good luck to my other tww friends.

Congratulations

I cannot tell you how proud I felt this morning when I woke up and remembered that we have a new (black) president. I'm so proud that he defeated all odds, ignored the ignorance of others who tried to bring him down and kept on moving. I've seen pictures both on tv and on the web of people's reactions to his victory and it moves me to tears. My vote did count. Thanks to everyone else who made theirs count as well.

What I did today

I fell and I voted today. What a day!!!!

I woke up this morning and on my way to the kitchen fell down the first flight of stairs. I'm in so much pain and have a bump and bruise on my arm. I can laugh now but I honestly don't know how I fell. One minute I was up and the next I was balled up against the wall. LOL!

I was only the 91st person to vote at my station this morning at 11am. I hope it picks up.

On a ttc note, I took a hpt yesterday to make sure the trigger shot was out of me and it was. So it's only positives from here on out!!!!

PUPO

I'm officially in the tww for the last time. Dr. Ice-princess did my IUI again and asked if we had met before. Hello???? Woman, you manhandle my vagina, can you please remember me?

So the countdown begins: 14 days until poas.

Ultrasound #4

There is a sign in the changing room that instructs you NOT to ask the sonographer any questions during the ultrasound. It took everything in me to avoid asking her what she saw and promise I wouldn't tell the RE. I would have taken a cough, wink, fart, anything to let me know what was going on. But, like any other visit, I had to wait for "the call." I finally got a call around lunchtime telling me that I have "a nice follicle measuring 21mm." Wahooo!!!! Ironically, the follicle is on the left side. If you recall, my lead follicle measuring 11mm on Saturday was on my right side. My estrogen level is 535 so I was instructed to trigger at 11:15pm and return on Thursday for the IUI.

I'm generally not an anxious person but I think ttc has turned me into a neurotic nitwit. What's my concern now? Well I've had tons of ewcm and 2 +opk's (yesterday and this morning) and now I'm worried I'm going to ovulate before the IUI and the timing will be all off. I asked the RE nurse about the +opk and she told me to disregard them. My control issues are being really challenged. I have to remind myself that this is their business and I have to trust them.

Okay I'm off to trigger.

The battle of the iron ons

My follies are growing ridiculously slow. I have some fear that my cycle will be cancelled if they don't catch up by my next u/s visit on Tuesday. Like every ttc gal, I've done tons of googling and I've decided to "step away from the google search engine" because the stress is increasing and we all know how counterproductive that is. My doctor upped my dose so hopefully it will give them the boost they need.

This weekend was dedicated to iron ons. It was much harder than I thought because if it didn't stick the first time, the whole project was screwed. I found that the Plaid brand iron ons were much easier to transfer than the Tulip brand, which didn't transfer at all but just made a mess on the onesie. The fabric transfer (giraffe) were the easiest by far to transfer. Here are some pics (of both the good and bad ) in addition to a cherry hat I made. The black t-shirt is for Logan, Marley's 3 year old sister. ***double click on pics to make them bigger.

Weekend project

There is something about the fall/winter that puts me in the mood to whip out the crochet and knitting needles. With Marley arriving in a few months, I figured I better get a move on with some projects. I was amazed at how quickly I made these.



While at the craft store yesterday, I discovered a whole new world.... Iron ons. So next weekend's projects will be dedicated to onesies.

On a ttc note, the shots are getting easier and easier to take.
*** Marley is the name my brother and sil have chosen for their baby.

1, 2.................3

I cannot tell you how many times Danielle and I counted to 3 before I worked up enough nerve to give myself the shot. We were literally at it for about 5 minutes. We tried it with me holding the pen, then her holding the pen and me dodging out the way when she came near me and then me holding the pen. Finally I worked up the nerve only because Danielle was getting ready to leave and I didn't want to do it without her. I needed her for moral support. However, the moral support went out the door when she laughed at me because I said "oh" as in "oh this is it?" when I stuck it in. It "burned" a little but that was it. With all of my fat, I hope the medicine finds its way to wherever it is suppose to go.

Well I'm off to go get some Indian food, come home and watch the Sex and the City Movie. I've gotten very little sleep these past few days and I'm exhausted. I had to move my u/s appointment up this morning because I couldn't get out of bed.

Someone's turning 25

Danielle, You are officially in your mid 20's!!!!!!!!!!!! Aggghhh, what sweet days. Have a fabulous day. I love you and I am so happy to be sharing my life with you.

xoxox

Lisa

Gearing up for round thirteen

While I've thoroughly enjoyed my break, I'm getting excited and a little antsy to ttc again. Although breaks generally suck whether they are forced or voluntary, they do help. Anyway, I'm getting my checklist together. I still need to get alcohol swabs and a sharps container. After temping for over a year, it is going to be so weird not to temp this cycle or use opks. What will I do with myself every morning? It's become a part of my routine. I've decided that I'm not even going to temp during the tww because I've had such misleading charts in the past that it's not worth it. But who am I kidding? There's no way I can go without having some kind of information during the tww, so my supply of internet cheapies will be in the mail soon.

As far as our cruise, it's been so much fun looking at different excursions for us to go on. However, we may end up being a little limited if I am pregnant. I've found one that just seems so adventurous and a little scary. You almost look like a little alien but I bet it's fun.

We are on our way

I'm so freaken excited. This week, we paid for our cruise and got a really nice deal with an on board credit. We got one on our last cruise that we used to pay for snorkeling and a buy-in to a poker tournament which Danielle placed 2nd! I love my little professional poker player (P3). Our cruise leaves on January 11th and goes to Puerto Rico, St. Thomas and St. Maarten. I'll be in Puerto Rico for my birthday which is really exciting.

I have about 1 more week until we are back in the ttc game. I've really enjoyed my break. It's been so stress free these past few weeks and I can't tell you how many pina coladas I've had. It's been great hanging out with friends and just doing things that I usually won't do during the tww.

Danielle and I have been doing our own Biggest Loser contest and while I've lost a few pounds, Danielle has done fantastic and has lost 10 pounds so far. I'm so proud of her. We are going to look fantastic on our cruise, pregnant belly or not.

SNL skit- VP debate

Politics- I just don't get it.

I know that politics is a taboo topic but I need some feedback to better understand the thought process behind these candidates. So like many of you, we watched the Vice Presidential debate on Thursday. I think the most ironic part for me was when Biden was so adament about his support of same sex rights but then even more adament about not supporting gay marriage. Of course Palin was in agreement. I just don't get it. I don't understand how you can support one but not the other. Is their decision religious based? If so, wouldn't their religion lead them to not support even the idea of same sex coupling, let alone give them rights? What are your thoughts? Also I don't quite clearly understand how people feel like that gay marriage will deconstruct the whole instituation of marriage. How would it affect it?

Just for fun and giggles, here's the SNL skit:

Sitting out

I'm sitting out on the sidelines this time around. I generally get a +opk and peak reading on cd 14 but this time around I got them on cd 13. A day too early because the bank doesn't open back up for business until tomorrow. I'm okay with it though because it gives me a chance to relax, exercise and get prepared for injectables. It sounds like that cycle will be very expensive with u/s so maybe it's all for the best.

In the meantime, we are enjoying life, some new friends that we made, the Fall and planning for upcoming holidays, Danielle's birthday, and trips.

Okay, gotta run. We are going to Italian Days with Danielle's family.

Simple Pleasures

This weeks simple pleasures:
- shopping for dresses for our cruise
- English hot chocolate with whipped cream
- cozying up on the couch watching the fall line up
- my kicked up grilled cheese (Munster cheese, bacon, sliced apples) with a glass of wine
- not worrying about ttc
- Danielle making it to level 8 on Super Mario Brothers 3 (wahoo!)
- SATC released on dvd (can't wait to watch it this weekend)

On hold

We put the injectables on hold for a cycle. Through all of the excitement I forgot that our bank is closed until the 29th. From the sounds of it, there would be a possibility the injectables would make me o earlier than usual. You would think I would be bummed right? But actually I'm really okay with it. It's just nice to know there is a back up plan waiting in the wings.

Thai Night

My friend Tiffany is a foodie just like me. Every once in a while we'll get together to make something I found in one of my Bon Appetite or Gourmet magazines. Well last month we decided we were going to try making Thai food. We both love Thai food and recently Danielle developed a new appreciation for it. My trip to the Asian grocery store this morning was quite interesting and gave me a sense of what it must be like to move to a foreign country and not speak/read the language. I relied heavily on pictures to guide my way and I was lucky enough to find a bilingual stock boy towards the end of my trip. Anyway, we decided to make a vegetable soup which had coconut milk in it, corn fritters with a roasted red pepper and tomato dip, panang curry with chicken and vegetables and several fruity alcohol drinks (non-Thai but ever so delicious). Everything came out great. We had so much fun making it but man do I have a headache from those drinks. It seems like nowadays I can't even have one drink without getting a headache. But they were sooooooooooooo good.

Pay it forward (the receiving end)

I feel so fortunate at times. Today was one of those days. I received an email this morning with the offer of supporting my ttc journey by donating two boxes of injectables. Talk about being surprised. Yesterday, when we met with the RE and she brought it up, we never really went into much detail about it because I just felt it was out of reach. We knew we really couldn't afford it. So it just felt like such a blessing when I got this email.

So who's my little earth angel? It's Gia.

Initially I didn't think we could get it started this cycle because you are suppose to do the first injection on cd 3 (which is today). However my RE coordinator said we could start it on cd 4 the latest. We weren't sure if we could get it shipped in time and by the afternoon I told the RE coordinator that I was going to proceed with the Clomid and explore injectables next month if this cycle was a bust but then Gia called me saying it was being Fed Ex'd overnight and will arrive at 10:30am. So in the morning I just have to call the RE and tell her we changed our minds and will try injectables this month.

I am both incredibly nervous and excited. I feel extremely overwhelmed. Gia, being the technology forward woman she is, said she will make a video for me showing me what to do to decrease some of my anxiety. My stomach has been in knots all day.

Anyway, I just want to say thanks Gia. You are incredibly kind and generous. You didn't have to do this for me and you sure as hell didn't have to act as fast as you did to get it to me overnight. I really and truly appreciate it.

RE Consult

I left the RE's office today feeling no more confident than when I walked in. She is not changing the protocol, at all. She said that everything is in working order, my levels are good, I ovulate on my own, etc. She told us that there is only a 10% chance of conceiving this way and we just have to just keep on keeping on. She assures us that it will happen. I had to remind her that this is our 13th time. We've been doing this for 19 months! It should have happened by now. I am sick of waiting for it to be my turn. Danielle is floored by the 10% statistic and I think it has discouraged her a bit. However, we didn't come this far to throw in the towel now.

It's a....

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

Niece or Nephew

Today, my brother and SIL find out if they are having a boy or a girl. I cannot wait for them to call this afternoon. I'm rooting for a little boy. The other day while Danielle and I were in Target we came across a baby swing that had a mp3 player attached. I am so amazed at how gadget-y baby products are.

Weekend events:
Saturday- Date day. Lunch at Red Robin. The guacamole bacon cheeseburger is soooo good and then we went to see "A Family that Preys". It was pretty good.

Sunday- We hopped in the car and headed to the casino. I won some money playing Texas Hold 'Em and Let it Ride. Apparently there was a storm brewing that we had no clue about before we left so we had a long drive home because there were downed trees and no electricity. We didn't bring out GPS with us so we came home on a prayer. When we got back to Pgh, the power was out at home as well until 5am. It was kind of cool.

I have a meeting with the RE this Wednesday.

Chicken soup is good for the soul

Today felt like the first indication of fall. It was rainy when I woke up and it was just one of those days that I wanted to stay in bed, watch movies, and read. I must have needed some comforting because I made homemade chicken soup when I got home which reminded me of my parents.

As for tww land, not much is going on. Testing is in 2-3 days.

Why is this happening to me?

Why is this happening to me? Seriously, I'm a ttc veteran. I've been there, done that. I'm not suppose to get caught up. I'm suppose to be immune to all of this nonsense. After about my fifth cycle I stopped reading into every little twinge, burp, and niggle. I know how powerful the brain can be in creating fake symptoms and making you believe you are pregnant when really you're not so why is this happening to me now? Now, at month 19 and cycle 12.

Of all people, trust me, I know it is waaaaayyyy too early to even experience the things I'm experiencing and I'm attributing them to my new work schedule. But if I am truly pregnant I will apologize to all of the whiny, suburban housewives on BBC birth boards who already have like 4+ children and are acting like this is their first pregnancy asking ridiculous questions like "I farted today, do you think I'm pregnant?" or "my boobs look veiny today, do you think I'm pregnant?" (that one is one of my favorites).

I think I'm having these fake symptoms because I've already convinced myself that I'm pregnant. Lisa, get a grip of yourself!!! I'm going to end up like that one lady on tv who convinced herself that she was pregnant that her body started to produce hormones and her stomach grew into a pregnancy tummy (did I ever tell you I hate the word belly?). Pray for my sanity people, pray hard!

Testing is in 6 days.

Labor day weekend

Our Labor Day Weekend:

Saturday: We didn't play by the RE rules. The rules if you want to play is to test and call between 6:45am and 7am when you have a +opk and they will schedule your u/s and bloodwork later that day. Well I overslept and called at 7:45am so they could only do b/w. I was a little bummed about it because I curious to see what the clomid did to my little friends in there but the nurse was really pleased with the results of my b/w so she went ahead and scheduled my IUI for 7:45am the following day.

Sunday: I set my alarm clock, cell phone, and Danielle's clocks in fear of oversleeping and not being allowed to play again. We were so exhausted when we got there. I was a little worried though about the timing. I had 4 days of low temps (97.5) and then on Sunday, my temp spiked to 97.9. Now I've been temping for over a year and I knew that meant I had ovulated. However, we went anyway. I spoke to the nurse as soon as I got there before they even went to prepare our specimen and she reassured me that our timing was dead on. Now she could have been blowing smoke up my ass and if it was the same nurse from last month's debacle I wouldn't have trusted her but I felt reassured and waited the hour for our specimen to be prepared. Because of our traumatic IUI last month, a few weeks ago, I had called the office and insisted that I have a doctor do it. So who did we get? The icy doctor I wrote about in a previous entry. But you know, I was relieved to see her and felt at ease being in her care. Danielle came to the conclusion that the doctor just doesn't have a friendly personality. She didn't introduce herself to us. Keep in mind, she's never met Danielle and she only met me once last year. She was kind of abrupt and wasn't very nice when she told, I mean asked, Danielle to move out of the way so she could get into a drawer. I felt so bad for Danielle because the chair was by the drawer when we first got there so if it is a bad spot, it shouldn't have even been there in the first place. I think that my doctor, Dr. K., is definitely the most personable and gay friendly doc of the two. However, despite all of that, our IUI went great. It was sooooooooo much different than the one with the "trained" nurse. Amazing how 1,2,3, the speculum went in without an ounce of pain. Maybe Ice Doctor needs to teach the nurse that basic skill. Hey guess what? On our way out to pay our bill, we passed the doctor and she smiled, she actually smiled. She can't fool me though. I'm still convinced she just had gas.

Monday: I spent the entire day just feeling really tired with this icky stomach sensation. Trust me, I know it is too soon to experience any pregnancy stuff but I thought gosh, if I feel like this now, I wonder what being pregnant is going to be like.

I am definitely in trouble this cycle. I've already convinced myself that it has worked and all I am waiting for is 12dpo to test and get a +hpt. Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT good. This means total heartbreak if it doesn't happen. I've been wondering where this optimism is coming from and I think it is a combination of things ranging from a better sample than last months, the doctor doing it, this being my 12th cycle and it has to happen at some point, the nurse's reassurance, me thinking it has to happen at some point. Oh wait, I said that. And I think there is some level of desperation (read- hope, strong desire, okay desperation) to be a mom and for this to happen. So maybe I need to take Gia's PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) approach but I don't know if I am that brave because despite all this going through my head, there is a little voice that trying to take care and safeguard my heart by telling me to pull back a little and remind me that it may not happen.

Anyway, Katie from the glbt boards sent me a wonderful care package last week filled with opk's, a digital hpt, and 10 internet cheapies. It felt a little like christmas. I can't wait to start poas.

Stats: 2 dpo and counting.

It's finally in

I have been waiting for this.... drum roll...... The Fall Line up. Although this means summer is coming to an end, I HEART my fall shows. This is when both of our Tivos get so maxed out with recordings.

http://www.tvguide.com/special/fall-preview-2008/fall-schedule.aspx

Definite must haves on our Tivo Season Pass:

• Biggest Loser
• America's Next Top Model
• Amazing Race----I want to be on this show
• Ugly Betty
• Private Practice
• Grey's Anatomy
• The Office
• Desperate Housewives
• Brothers and Sisters ------ I love love love this show

I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

Work, Work and more Work

I've been exhausted these last few days. My new work schedule is crazy. However, I've been totally engrossed in E. Lynn Harris' new book. Which is sooooooo good. Anyway, off to bed.

Royal Caribbean Crusing- AGAIN!!!

Ahhhhh, there's nothing like taking your mind off baby making like planning a vacation. With turning 30 looming over my head, I've decided the only way I'm going to make it through is to be on vacation and bring my 30's in with a bang!

Danielle and I went on a cruise in January and we had a blast. We went left out of Miami and went to Nassau, Key West, and Cococay. It was the best vacation ever. We did things we've never done before like snorkel, go on jet skis (waverunners), and parasail. It was just a great time. Danielle played a poker tournament on the ship in their casino and won second place.

So this time around we are planning a cruise on one of their newer ships, Freedom of the Seas. We will be leaving out of Miami and going to San Juan, Puerto Rico; Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas; Philipsburg, St. Maarten; and back to Miami, Florida.

Here are some of the wonderful features of ship:
FlowRider®---------that's that surfing water feature
H2O Zone---------- water slides, etc
Cantilevered whirlpools
Rock-climbing wall
Ice-skating rink------------yes an ice-skating rink
Royal Promenade
Extensive WiFi capabilities and connectivity for cell phones
Full-size, flat-screen TVs in every stateroom
Themed bars and lounges
Adventure Ocean® youth facilities
Fitness Center and Day Spa
Full-size Everlast boxing ring----------Can't wait to show off my Rocky skills
Casino RoyaleSM--------------------Danielle will take it down again
Presidential Family Suite
Sports Pool
Full-size sports court
9-hole miniature golf course-----------------how fun
Johnny Rockets® '50s-style restaurant
Portofino Italian Restaurant
Chops Grille
Ben & Jerry's® ice cream
Vintages wine bar
Boleros Latin-themed lounge
Sorrento's pizza

Now if I'm preggo, it will be hard to do some of the excursions we did on our last cruise but we will still have fun. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Names

Thank god it is the weekend. I am 100% exhausted, partly due to staying up watching the Olympics and partly due to my new work schedule. So I'm looking forward to relaxing and trying out some recipes from my new Thai cookbook. YUM!

Things between my SIL and I have worked out well. We had a talk and I really have a new understanding of what she has been going through. I am excited for the birth of my new niece/nephew in January 2009. They will find out the sex September 15th. I am really rooting for a boy. I know when they were pregnant last year, they were planning on naming the baby Winston James if it were a boy. I don't know what the baby names are now.

Danielle is dead set on naming our daughter Marissa. We haven't been able to come up with a middle name. All of the names I like, Danielle HATES but I get the choice in the middle name since she got to pick the first name. With the boy names we switched because I like Jaden (I like it spelled Jaiden but everyone tells me that spelling is for girls) anyway, and Danielle like Tyler so he will be Jaden Tyler. I will kill anyone who calls him JT. Danielle likes the name Darius but with my English accent, she hates the way I say it so that's out. That's okay because I am not really fond of it. However, I'm sure when the time comes and we are pouring over baby name books, things will change.

Auntie Lisa

My brother called me today to tell me that I am going to be an aunt in January. Pretty exciting stuff. I feel sad that his gf and I aren't as close anymore. After losing the little one last year, she disconnected from me. We went from chatting on the telephone almost daily to no contact. Now we text but usually it's initated by me. I hope there is some resolution soon. I just keep on telling myself that no matter how much I want a sister (I've been begging my parents for one for as long as I can remember), my brother's gf is not my sister and I can't expect sisterly things from her, no matter how much I fantasize about it. My brothers are so lucky they have both a brother and a sister.

Try #12

My temp dropped like crazy so we are moving on to try #12. Maybe one day we'll get this right. Where's the chocolate?

The woes of testing too early

I tested yesterday. It was negative. Sometimes I handle bfn's gracefully, sometimes, not so much. I know, I know 11dpo is early, things could change, blah blah blah, I know the drill. We'll probably test again over the weekend. Fingers crossed. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take, yet I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

On a more exciting front.... We've mastered level 3 on Mario 3. Wahoo!!!!!!!!! We've also found the secret whistle on level 1 that will allow us to warp to levlel 5, 6, and 7. We have yet to master level 7 and it doesn't look good.

1ww dreams

After 11 cycles of ttc, I can escape the imaginary symptoms, I can escape the need to poas starting at 9 dpo (barely). However, I just can't avoid the 1ww dreams. Aggrrr, the oh so emotionally driven 1ww dreams. What are they you ask? They are the dreams that focus on being pregnant and while you are having them they feel so incredibly real, you just know it's happening for real. All until the alarm clock rings and you realize, "no, it was all just a dream." You are hit with sadness at the realization and a heavy heart. Last night, I had my second 1ww dreams for this cycle. I had a dream that I had IB and then the next day I tested and I had a bfp. I felt so sad when I woke up.

Anyway, off to make dinner: Beef and shrimp fried rice. Wish me luck.

9 dpo- no symptoms (real or imaginary). 3 days until testing. Trying to believe that this will happen to me.

A Vespa= going green?

They're cute, they're tiny, they scream me!!! I don't even know where I got the idea but a few weeks ago, I got the idea that I want a Vespa. They are so Euro and so eco-friendly. Well maybe that's a stretch but you get about 70mpg, which in essence means you are using less gas which is eco-friendly right? I could just see me vepsing (yes, I made that word up) around town, back and forth to work.

Ladies night out with the blog girls is driving me nuts!!! In fear of sounding like an addict, all week I've been wanting a glass of wine, a fruity slushy alcoholic beverage, or a glass of bailey's. I log on to read everyone's blogs and what does everyone have? Delicious looking Sex on the Beach, Daiquiris and shots on their blog pages. WHYYYYYYYY? Why must you all inadvertently taunt me? LOL! Only teasing, I love the idea of celebrating our ttc journey. Cheers to all! Tomorrow I'm suppose to go to Sandbar, which is an outdoor beach themed club for a friend's birthday. You know because its beach themed they are going to have beachy drinks. I'd love to indulge but on the other hand I kind of have to protect this costly investment potentially going on inside of me. So for now, I'll just have a virtual drink. Let me tell you, its NOT the same.

Speaking about the beach, I called my parents (they live in FL) to say hi and they tell me they won't be home for a few days, they are going to St. Kitts for a few days. MUST BE NICE!!!! But I guess this is what retirement is all about. I just wish they invited me.

On a ttc note.... Sometimes for s&g (shits and giggles) I temp in the evening just to get an idea of what may happen in the morning. Anyway, my temps are a little low so I'm curious about that. I'm kind of hoping for IB this weekend just to give me some hope but I know it doesn't always happen to women who end up being pregnant. I don't have any real or imaginary symptoms to report. Those don't usually kick in until the 1ww so stay posted.

I've moved the poas day to Wednesday (11dpo) or Thursday (12dpo). I only have 2 FRER and I don't want to buy any more.

My addiction

I am addicted to Mario 3. Damn if I can get past the 3rd world though. It's our (yes, Danielle is addicted right along with me) goal to conquer it tonight. Playing Mario has been a wonderful, wonderful distraction through the tww.

7 days and counting or is it 6?

It only takes one

After thawing, our donor had a sample of 19 million. We were told by the nurse that it was a very good sample so we left feeling rather happy about it. Then after chatting with some of the women on BBC I found out that there have been known samples of 75-100 million with a higher motility so I definitely felt a little bummed. When I told Danielle she said I crushed her "hopes and dreams" being the little drama queen she can be sometimes. However, I was also told that some women have had samples as low as 5 million and still got preggo so I'll acquiesce to remembering that it only takes 1.

8 days and counting.

Doing it ol' school

While visiting a few weeks ago, my brother showed me how to buy old games on our Wii. So last night Danielle and I bought Mario 1 and Mario 3, you know, the old school versions for the original nintendo. Those games are hilarious. We are having so much fun reminiscing about the days we played it as a child. I think I was in about 6th or 7th grade when these games were big. It's so funny how much you remember from so long ago like where there are hidden blocks. There are just some things we can't remember for the life of us. We are still trying to clear world 3!!!!

My first IUI

That nurse is a bitch! I wonder if she knew that I called last night and left a message asking for the doctor to perform the IUI instead. I got a call this morning informing me that the doctor wasn't in at all and that the nurse would be performing all of the IUI's this morning. She went on to spell out her training in doing this and then asks if I want to reschedule if I don't feel comfortable. Um, this isn't the dentist's office where timing isn't a factor. So if I don't do it today, that means, I have to wait a whole other cycle. And furthermore, if I did that, I would ovulate on a Sunday next month which would put us in the same position. So without much of a choice, I agreed to still come in.

We are in the IUI room and she tells me the process of the IUI, stating that the only thing that may hurt is the speculum going in. I'm thinking well that should be a piece of cake because speculums don't hurt that much. Well, she wasn't lying... she literally and I mean literally jammed it in me, about 3 times. I was so far up on the table and all I hear her saying is "relax." How can I relax when you are hurting me? Danielle said it looked like she was raping my vagina. Finally, maybe out of frustration, she asked if I wanted to insert it. So 1,2,3 and it was in but then she took over again and started being rough again to get the cervix in place. Highly trained, my ass!!! I wanted to take my foot out of the stirrup and kick her in her head. Anyway, the actual insemination of the jizz went well. So we'll see in two weeks if this worked.

Countdown: 14 days until testing. Oh who am I kidding? 10 days until testing.

On the verge of a temper tantrum

Riddle: Someone is referred to a specialist to assist with fertility. That same person is asked to pay $280 for an IUI to be performed. Who should perform the IUI?

Answer: Um, maybe the specialist.

I got my +opk this morning on cd 14 like clockwork. So I called to schedule my IUI which is tomorrow at 8:30am. I really wanted Dr. K to perform the IUI because I really like her but I found out that the ice queen doctor is scheduled to be in the office tomorrow. Fine, whatever, I'll take her. She knows her stuff, started the clinic and so I'll deal with it. You never know, I may even have a change of heart about her. But oh no, the receptionist added that the doctor may not even perform the IUI, the nurse may. Now don't get me wrong, I think nurses are great and they do really good work. To boot, I am sure she is trained to perform IUI's. But I wasn't referred to a nurse, I was referred to a specialist and if I'm expected to pay $280 to have a IUI performed by a specialist, well then I want a freaken specialist to do it. I know this sounds like a little temper tantrum but trust me, it's not. I can't vouch for not having one tomorrow though, especially if it is the nurse who told me that I had PCOS.

If it was routine for all of the patients to have a nurse perform an IUI I wouldn't have a problem with it. As I said, I'm sure she is highly trained to do it. But it's not routine so why should I be picked out of the bunch? If I'm being referred to a specialist, then I want the doctor to deal with me start to finish, especially when it comes to what I feel is the most important part of this whole process.

On a opk note... the same sticks used for the CBE digitals (smiley's) can also be used right afterwards in the CBEFM.

Forgivness being a foreigner

Am I naive in thinking that the older I get, the more I'd be accepted? Since moving to America, one of my biggest challenges is being readily accepted by black girls. Most automatically judge me, sometimes even before having an actual conversation with me. I think they hear me talk and automatically assume that I'm a snob or think that I think I'm too good. I've never truly understood it but just came to accept it. Actually, accept the process. Here's the process.... they see or meet me, think I'm a snob, don't talk to me, alienate me, then one person will be nice enough to seek me out and have a conversation, and then afterwards they like me. I've literally had people who are my friends now tell me they prejudged me thinking that just because I am English, I would be a certain way but when they actually took the time, found out I was completely different than their initial perception. The frustrating thing is that the reason they've learned to accept me for who I am is because I'm English. As though being English is all the explanation they need but if I wasn't English then it would be 100% unacceptable. It's a total pass. It's bullshit.

So where is all of this coming from? Well I've been at my new job for the past 3 weeks and it feels like high school. I've literally had the girl who sits closest to me blatantly ignore me when I've said hi/bye or smiled at her but totally acknowledge others, even Danielle. Out of about 20 black girls close by me, there is only ONE girl who consistently says hi to me and smiles to me. When I asked for her assistance today, I think she got up enough courage to start a conversation with me and how does she start it? By saying "you're not from here are you?" As though that is the get of jail free pass I'm awarded for talking the way I do, for being the way I am, etc. As though if I was from America it would be totally unacceptable.

No one understands how frustrating this is. My own girlfriend makes fun of me at times and
suggests she is "more black than I am." How fucked up is that? I wonder why this is such an issue in America, this "being black enough." This is not an issue in England. You would just think that at 29 years old, being around other adults, that this wouldn't be an issue.

Unnecessary Stress

I'm at work so I will give full details later but I had my telephone consult with my RE this morning and she said "you do not have PCOS". I would like to point out that the nurse not only told me this once, but twice. These last two weeks have been really stressful. I've been incredibly irritable and taken most of it out on Danielle because my mind has been so preoccupied with this dx and what it now meant for my fertility. Poor Danielle gets the brunt of everything. Speaking of her, she is feeling incredibly optimistic about this cycle. I'm trying to get myself there.

Tomorrow's tasks= order jizz and start poas for my smiley.

PCO vs. PCOS

I should have more days like the one today. It was very relaxing and laid back. We went to a really cool jazz concert in the park this evening. I loved it. Danielle hated it. She is not a very outdoor-sy type of girl. However, I love that she tolerates my desire to be "one with nature" and engages in my outdoor events.

My book on PCOS came in at the library today so I picked it up earlier today and finished it already. I wonder if I can add that to my library summer reading list? Anyway, it was a good read and the author, Dr. John Eden, made a clear distinction between polycystic ovaries and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCO and PCOS). Because I haven't received the results of my hormone tests yet, I identified more with PCO. He pretty much said that women with PCO can have a polycystic u/s reading and acne or excessive hair and still have normal fertility and not need any medication intervention. Whereas a woman with PCOS has two of the three: menstrual irregularities (nope), polycystic ovaries (yes) and clinical and/or blood test evidence of raised androgens (unknown at this point). At any rate, he really stressed throughout the book that losing weight will help significantly with PCO, PCOS, and Insulin Resistant females. He said in his practice he has seen an increase in menstruation, ovulation, and pregnancy with just losing 8-11 pounds. Although his book isn't gospel, it does give me some additional questions to ask my RE during our phone consult. His book.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

Trying not to sweat the small stuff.

I truly need to let go of my control issues (sometimes). From what people are telling me, having an IUI is suppose to be less stressful, yet I am still struggling with the idea of timing. I'm just concerned that they are going to wait too late but then I keep on reminding myself that they are doctors. They've gotten hundreds of people pregnant. I've gotten zero! They went to school for this, whereas I went to school for social work. I need to let them do their job and I will do mine which is to poas until I get a smiley face. Sounds easy right? Right, but my control issues just keep on taking over. Aggrrr!

I have a gift certificate to a spa. Now sounds like a good time to make an appointment.

I tried to bring Lisa back...

Wow, venting does help sometimes. After my last blog entry, I felt much better. The next day, in my attempt to bring Lisa back, I pulled out a pair of my skinny heels and wore them to work. I felt hot, confident and fabulous all until 9:20am. I was walking to the copy machine with my "mentor", past the director of my department, when all of a sudden, I was about 3 inches shorter on one side. My freaken heel broke. There I was doing like a runway walk to the copy machine and all of a sudden, I kind of buckled. Guys, if you could have seen it, you would have rolled on the floor laughing in hysterics. I think my mentor tried to stifle her laughter because I'm new to the dept and she didn't want to make me feel bad but all I remember was her trying to find super glue. How does super glue help in a time like this? I had to make a quick escape walking on my tip toes to my desk to grab my car keys, down to the elevator and down to the parking garage. Let me remind you that walking on your tip toes, trying to look hot at the same time, when you darn well know that you look like a dork, is very very hard to pull off. Finally, I made it home to change in to some sandals with a chunky heel.

Anyway, we went for our day 3 bloodwork. Well it happened on day 4. We both had to have STD testing and I had my FSH and other stuff tested. Poor Danielle was poked 3 times before the nurse could get blood. I haven't received the results yet but hopefully will hear something by Friday. I have a telephone consult with my RE on Tuesday to discuss the PCOS and how it applies to me. I anticipate doing the IUI next Saturday/Sunday. I think I'll start getting excited about it next week.

While we were at the RE, the nurse had the 10 Pet Commandments posted on her wall. I read #4 to Danielle and the nurse said she was about to cry and literally looked like she was.

Dogs Ten Commandments
1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years - any separation from you will be very painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me - it is crucial for my well being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment...You have your work, your friends, your entertainment...I HAVE ONLY YOU!
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when you're speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll NEVER forget it.
7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hands but I choose NOT to bite YOU.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I've been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting old and weak.
9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old.
10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch it" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for ME if you are there. Remember that I love you.

Myopic-ism

Why is the weekend over already? No matter what the plans are, the weekend ends before you know it. I'm always filled with regrets of what I didn't get accomplished and what little relaxation I did. This weekend was a mixture of fun and work and aggrevation.

Saturday we stained the fence we put up 2 weekends ago (***note to others, it is much easier using a brush to get the stain on rather than a roller). The hilarious moment in that was I painted P3 on part of the fence before staining it and unfortunatley the stain didn't cover it up so there is P3 as bright as the sun on the fence!!! P3 is a running joke about Danielle being a professional poker player. Anyway, in continuing with our home improvements projects I staked and lined the shape of our patio that we will be working on over the next few weekends. Danielle has the nerve to complain about how much HGTV I watch but seriously, it pays off!!!!

It started off being a beautiful day on today so we headed over to a friend's house to jump in her pool. Little did we know there was construction on the parkway. So a 40 minute drive turned into a 2 hour drive. Needless to say I was NOT a happy person when we got there. Oh, and I forgot to add, while we were at a standstill in traffic it began to rain. We went in the pool anyway but it would have been nicer if it was beaming hot out like it was when we left our house. Anyway, we were suppose to go to the zoo tonight for a work event but skipped it and came home and grilled out. Menu: ribs, potato salad, corn, and beans. A totally cool bbq meal.

On a ttc note, I am finding that I am really stressed out about ttc. It's all I fucken think about. It's not even intentional. I find my mind just running about ordering, dates, timing, bloodwork, cost, PCOS, etc. over and over and over. I feel like i can't escape and I need to because I feel like my relationship is falling. Poor Danielle is a saint to put up with me. I have been incredibly bitchy, snipping, and withdrawn in every sense of the word. I don't even mean to be, it just happens. At times I even startle myself with how nasty I am towards her. It's so unfortunate that the person you love the most is the one who gets the brunt of eveything. I know that ttc can put stress on a relationship and on one hand I feel like I should be past that because it's been over 16 months but on the other hand, I know that the 16+ months is probably the reason. KWIM? It's just a really tough situation that I'm finding more and more difficult to dig myself out of. It's suprising because normally I feel really good at the start of every cycle. Like a new try and a new chance. I just don't know why I'm not feeling that now.

Last night, we drove to get sushi and ice-cream. I know what a combo but i really wanted a chocolate banana milkshake and Danielle wanted sushi. Anyway, we were driving by two areas that are great Saturday night spots. The first one for clubs and bars and the second one for dates. Everyone was just so dressed up and I thought, "god, where are the days when I loved getting ready to go out dancing. When did going for a shake and sushi become a Saturday night highlight" and later "where are the days when you felt and looked hot?" I really feel like I've lost some of my va va voom. I think it's the terrible weight gain. I just don't feel like that spunky 20 something anymore. Maybe because I'm at the doorstep of being a 30 something? (Sigh). So my mission my dear friends...is to bring Lisa back.

Progesterone bloodwork

Eeek, I forgot to post last week about the bloodwork I had last week.

I am sooooooooooo confused! I had my progesterone bw done Friday morning (11th). The nurse called and said my level was 14 which indicates that I ovulated (yeah). She said that they must not have been able to pick up the follicle on the u/s and that happens sometimes. Interesting because FF hasn't given me crosshairs or recognized that I've ovulated but of course I'm trusting the bw over FF. Anyway, seems like we can IUI next cycle as planned. I asked her based upon my b/w today if that rules out PCOS and she said no. That I "I'm PCOS by u/s." I just don't get it. I thought PCOS meant you don't ovulate on your own (in addition to developing tiny cysts). Well I have to call on cd1 and then have bloodwork on cd 3. She said the doctor wants to talk to me so I am assuming that will happen on cd 3?

Living in denial

I am living in complete and utter denial. Yep, the dark glasses are on. I am just not convinced I have PCOS but that fucken question mark has been haunting me all friggen week. Thanks to google, asking women on BBC, etc. I feel confident in my denial. Boy, am I going to have a rude awakening if that question mark becomes an exclamation mark.

I've been charting this month as usual and I do think I am having an anovulatory cycle. I haven't gotten crosshairs but I did get a +opk last week. However, my temp hasn't risen like it usually does. So my fingers are crossed that this cycle is just a fluke. If it is, what horrible timing. I assume I will have to go through this whole process again next month which means I can't ttc next cycle either because the insurance won't pay for the testing if I have an IUI the same cycle. Ughhh!

Friday: Bloodwork at the RE's.

If only....

If only I had these tests a year ago, I would have saved myself a lot of money, a lot of heartache, and a lot of tears. The results from my bloodwork showed that my LH and estrogen levels are good. However, the results from the u/s showed that I had several tiny follicles but no evidence of a mature follicle. This indicates that there is a possiblity that I did not ovulate this cycle or develop a mature ovary. Just to make sure this isn't the case, I have been scheduled to return for more bloodwork next Friday. They will measure my progesterone levels. If the reading is less than 5, it means I didn't ovulate at all. However, if it is more than 5, it means I did and we just need to do a better job of pinpointing exactly when I ovulated. When I was confirming the information with the nurse who called me back, she said that that the doctor also had a question mark next to PCOS Of course I did some research (i.e. googling) when I got home and quite honestly, I don't have any of the major symptoms which is a little reassuring but I am still scared. Women with PCOS tend to have a really difficult time getting pregnant.

Danielle brought up the idea of doing IVF with her eggs. I love the idea but seriously can we afford it? Um, probably not! But we will explore it after next Friday.

The new RE

We will be meeting with the RE July 2nd to discuss what's next. Luckily for me, the ice princess RE is on vacation so I was scheduled with the other RE. Wahoo!!! In the meantime I accepted a new job. It was a really tough decision. I will dearly miss my clients and coworkers. However, its time to move on and time to make more money to support our ttc journey.

On to plan M

With every cycle that goes by you begin to evaluate what went wrong, what you can do to improve the upcoming cycle, and what you want to keep the same. After 10 tries and 16 months, I think it's time to move on to IUI's. I was really trying to avoid them thinking that I could get pregnant without this next level of treatment but lets face the facts, it's just not happening. So I contacted the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) my OB referred me to last year and got some information. It is going to cost $280 a month for the IUI on top of everything else. However, I'll have to wait out a cycle before I can have the IUI. They will use that cycle to do additional bloodwork to make sure I am ovulating and an ultrasound, I suppose to check if/when my egg(s) are being released. Luckily for me, my insurance will cover this testing but they will not, I repeat, will not cover the IUI. Really are you that surprised? Why would they cover the procedure I really need them to? Friggen figures.

So here's plan M: We will do one more try at home during the cycle they do all of the testing just for shits and giggles and then in August we will do the IUI. I will drop the acupuncture. As much as I enjoyed it, I will have to use that money towards the IUI's. We will use 1 vial instead of 2 of the same donor. We will continue using opk's and the monitor as well as checking cm and the opening of my cervix. Finally, we will insem 12-16 hours post +opk. Oh, and we will continue with my last round of 50mg of Clomid. Maybe when I meet with the RE, she will increase it to 100mg although I am really leery of going up another dose but I'll talk that over with her when the time comes.

It's a no go

I tested this morning and it was negative, so glaringly negative. To add to it, my temp dropped. So at 13dpo, I don't think there is much hope for a bfp this cycle. For those ttc, trust me it never gets easier.

Dreams

Last night I had my elevator dream. This is one of the two common crazy dreams that I've been having for years.

Elevator dream:
I get into an elevator, sometimes there are people in there with me but mostly I'm by myself. The door closes and it just free falls--FAST! We must fall at least 30 stories. Sometimes the lights go out and sometimes they stay on. No one ever gets hurt but I'm terrified and sometimes there's nothing to hold on to.

Backseat driver dream:
I am in a car by myself and I am on the drivers side but in the backseat. Somehow the car is moving and I have to steer it from the backseat. I am always on a bridge and I have to manage to get the car across the bridge.


What do you think this all means? I have my own thoughts but what do you Freudians think? BTW, this isn't the first time I've had my elevator dream during the tww.

POAS withdrawal

If I had a stick, I would surely pee on it. Luckily for me and my wallet, we don't. Testing is on Sunday (13dpo). Stay tuned.

Back away from the thermometer

I don't even know what happened, I totally caved and temped yesterday and today. Heck, I think if I'm honest with myself, I did it on Saturday as well. I was doing so well. I wonder if I was going through an unconscious withdrawal because somehow it was in my mouth over the weekend. I don't even know why because at this point in the game, the temps aren't that significant. They are going to be up regardless. It's towards the end of the week they would matter to see if they are still elevated (indicating possible pregnancy) or if they've dropped (indicating that I have to prepare myself to do this all over again next month).

Speaking of doing it all over again next month, I seem to go through this thing where I psych myself out by telling myself I'm not pregnant. Then, in following suit with "The Secret"I reframe my thoughts and say something positive. I guess after 10 tries, there is a glimmer of hope but deep down I don't expect this month to be any different than the other 9 months. Maybe I do it so that I won't be that disappointed, who knows. Even though I am trying to think positive, I've been thinking that maybe I'll take a cycle off, save up enough money and start exploring IUI's. It is going to cost me about an extra $400 out of pocket it seems. I'll have to call and find out for sure. I was referred to an RE in the past but I didn't really like her and felt that I couldn't put up with her icy personality if she was going to look at my yoohoo each month. It would be just way too personal to even go there so I may seek out another office closer to my house and with less frigid doctors. But hopefully, I won't even need to pursue that idea because ladies and gentlemen, I am BFP Bound. It has to happen to me at some point right? <----- This is where you enthusiastically nod your head yes and say "of course it will Lisa."

5 dpo and counting

Today I am 5 dpo. I went in for my second round of acupuncture this morning at 10am. I was a little freaked out because she reminded me of my boss and who the hell wants to think about their boss on their day off? But she was very friendly nevertheless. Anyway, she inserted needles in the same spots as last time but didn't put any on my stomach so that we could "nurture the [possible] pregnancy."

As far as the tww, I've been doing exceptionally well. This time next week may be a different story. The 1ww is always worse than the 2ww because if you are going to experience any symptoms (real or imaginary) the 1ww is when you'll have them.

On another note, Danielle has successfully convinced me out of my haircut. However, I'm only postponing it until September. She made a very good point this week when I was having a terrible hair day due to the 90 degree weather and humidity that I would look a wreck if I had short hair and I had to agree. So until the humidity dies down, I'll stick with my long hair (sigh).

Bringing sexy back

I need a change. My hair is so blah. It's all one length and not sexy. So I'm contemplating cutting it short. Danielle is totally against it because she is not a fan of short hair and was traumatized as a child by a bob all gone wrong, but I don't know, I think it will be kind of fun. The only thing I am concerned about is worrying if I can rock it like it supposed to. Here are some of the contenders... Which do you like best?

Opening the door to the tww

Today marks our entrance into the tww. I am tossing the thermometer aside and will navigate my way through the tww as graceful as possible. I decided not to continue temping just because for me, it adds too much stress and unnecessary heartache.

The Sex and the City movie was FANTASTIC!!!! We laughed, we cried, we gasped. It was so good seeing those girls again. I really loved seeing other women in the auidence as excited to see the movie (almost giddy) as I was. Our chairs were very comfy and as a treat we will do it again at some point.

Today is beautiful outside. Danielle and I are going shopping and I can do a little gardening later while we cook out on the grill. I love summer.

Well wish me luck everyone.

Fuck me panties

I just got back from my acupuncture appointment. It was pretty cool and very relaxing. When I first got there I was asked to fill out some paperwork. Then I went into the room, which was dim and very peaceful. We chatted a bit about my ttc journey, what I'm using, etc. Then I hopped onto the table, undid my jeans and lifted my shirt up a bit. Danielle made a comment about the underwear when I was getting dressed calling them "fuck me panties" and that's all I could think about! Anyway, she inserted needles in my abdomen, ankles, foot, forehead and wrists and then left me "to let the needles do their magic" for 20 minutes. When she returned, she did something with my head in a rocking side to side motion but it was so gentle. Then she had me take off my top and turn over. She proceeded to put some needles in my back and left me for 10 minutes. When we were all done she suggested that I return in a week to for another treatment to aid with implantation. This time I won't wear my declared "fuck me panties."

This morning I got a +opk but I have a feeling that the following one will be a little darker so I am going to take another one in an hour or so to compare. Unfortunately I woke up too late to use my CBEFM so I will have to wait until tomorrow.

Only a few more hours until date night. We are going to eat at PF Changs and then see our movie at 9:45pm. I am so excited. I am little annoyed though because the guy who plays Harry on SATC was on Ellen and unintentionally gave away a spoiler. I would have been really surprised by it as well. Aggrr!

Waiting game, part 1

Our tank arrived today and is waiting in the dining room to be opened. I took an opk (ovulation predictor kit) earlier today and it was negative so now we are just playing the waiting game for one to turn positive. I have a feeling it will happen over the weekend, which is great because it will give me a good excuse to lounge around.

I have my acupuncture appointment tomorrow @ 1pm. I am a little disappointed though because the woman, Jesse, who corresponded with me via email and answered all of my questions wont be there tomorrow so her associate, Sydnie will be doing it. Although I am sure Sydnie will do a great job and I will like her, I was looking forward to meeting Jesse.

Anyway, tonight we are going bowling. We went a few weeks ago and this place is so old that you have to score on paper. I couldn't tell you the last time I went to one like that. Tomorrow we are going to see the Sex and the City movie. We went all out and bought the VIP tickets so we can watch the movie in ultimate comfort with their "plush leather seats." I bet this experience is so overrated. Nevertheless, I am looking forward to it.

The decision is in

Last night Danielle and I sat down and reviewed our options and decided on a donor. We are still going with a white donor, just not the one we had orginally planned on. So this morning I called the bank and placed the order (no I did not order fries and a coke with that). Our tank should arrive on Friday. Our neighbor has been picking up our packages lately while we are at work. I just hope he doesn't ask us what it is because I know his curiousity will be peaked with "Biological Shipper" blasted on the front. Not that it is any of his business but I hate coming up with fast excuses (read-lies). I'm not very good at it.

Coincidentally, over the weekend, we were all chatting on our porch and out of the clear blue he told us we should have a child. He then offered to father a baby. Just jokingly, I asked him if he thought Danielle or I would be the carrier. He was like, well I wasn't even thinking of you two. I was thinking you could just pick out one of my girls (he calls his women "strays" by the way) and they would turn the baby over to us. ON WHAT FREAKEN PLANET does that happen? And why would he think that is how we wanted a child anyway? I was impressed though, that later on he did say if we were to carry it, he would squirt in a cup at the doctor's office. At least he didn't just assume that he would get to have sex with one of us. However, quite honestly I think he has the hots for Danielle. They are like best buddies, it's funny. They like knock on each others door to see if the other one can come out and play.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. I've had a long day. This morning I found out that one of my online friends is having a miscarriage. She went through this heartbreak earlier this year. I just don't understand why these things happen.

No, you can't have him.

There's nothing like everything coming to a screaming halt. Last month, Danielle and I decided to go with a white donor because she is white and wanted the baby to be somewhat of a reflection of her. Mr. #9 is biracial. We initially decided on a biracial donor so that if in the future, Danielle decides to get pregnant (hell may freeze over first), we wouldn't have one black child and one white child. So I called the bank today to place our order only to be told that he is not available and there is a freaken waiting list for him. WTF, I ask you! This is unreal. Danielle is really bummed out. I am bummed out and we have to make a decision today on whether we want to continue with Mr. 009 or select another white donor so that our tank can arrive by Thursday/Friday. Aggrrr! Why does this have to happen on the try with 2 vials? I am so incredibly bummed.

Day at the dog park

I had the best weekend. It's making it very hard to go back to work tomorrow. I just want one more day. It felt really good to spend so much time with Danielle. She has been working a lot of overtime lately. On Saturday we went shopping and spent time dog sitting Cheeko. It seems like we have an unspoken custody arrangement with our neighbor where he spends the weekends with us and weekdays with his owner. On Sunday we took a friend's daughter and her dog, along with Cheeko to the dog park in Squirrel Hill. I didn't even know it existed. The park is absolutely beautiful and huge. This was my first time at a dog park. I loved how friendly everyone was, both humans and dogs. This was Cheeko's first time on a leash, going for a walk in a large open space and being around other dogs. He had a ball. Afterwards we went on a hike through the woods. Talk about a testament of love because Danielle hates being "one with nature." When we got home, both Cheeko and I were so worn out that we took a nap. Today we sent him back home because we have work tomorrow. We both miss him terribly. He just accomplished learning to climb down the stairs on his own. It's so cute.

On the baby making front, we are ordering our tank tomorrow. We will probably start poas on Thursday and then the craziness begins. I vowed, like the past two cycles, that I will stop temping after ovulation. I know I will do it this time around. There is nothing worse than having a fantastic looking chart, having it go triphasic, and then getting a bfn. It is just heartbreaking so no more!